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Chapter 75 “YOU’RE SUCH A JERK” AND OTHER INSULTS “You are such a jerk. I don’t know why the boss keeps you on the payroll.” “You’ll never last here. You just don’t fit in.” “You look terrible in that dress. Have you gained weight?” Insults.We’ve all been the target of them and most of us have hurled them at others. But how exactly do we deal with being insulted? In most cases, when someone says something nasty and hurtful to us, we stew privately and maybe complain to friends and colleagues about it. (“How could Liz have said that to me? We’ve worked together for ten years and I’ve always been so supportive of her. I can’t believe it.”) But, what does that really get us other than angry and resentful? Rarely do we deal in a constructive and coherent fashion with nasty comments that are directed toward us. Yet, the ability to do this is an extremely valuable communication and life skill. With this in mind, consider these tips and tools you can use the next time someone takes a shot at you: • Don’t take the bait. Many times, people insult you just to see what your reaction will be.They want to get into an argument. It’s to their advantage to get you to stoop to their level. Consider some options that will keep you on the high road: “Bob, you have a right to your opinion, I just don’t see it that way.” Or,“Jane, I’m not going to get into a shouting match with you. It’s not constructive.”Your objective is to diffuse the situation and to communicate the message that you are not going to play this counterproductive game. Often, the other person will feel stupid for saying something so hurtful and hopefully lighten up. • Ask the other person to elaborate on his insult. “Bob, I’m not really sure why you are saying that, but I want to understand. What exactly have I done that would cause you to call me such names?” Your objective is to force the person to back up his charges and move beyond the name-calling. Communicating withStrength in Tough Situations 163 • Tell the other person how the insult makes you feel: “Jane, when you scream at me in the office, it tells me you don’t respect me or my work effort. Is that your intent?”YOUR intent is to put up a mirror to your coworker and ask her to take a close look at her behavior and the impact it is having on you. • Humor can help. Sometimes you can just kind of shake your head, roll your eyes and say, “Come on, Bob, you can’t really mean that. I know you love me anyway, so I’ll ignore what you said.”This has the potential to make light of an unfounded insult : however, the other person can perceive that you are patronizing him. Be prepared for that possibility. • Don’t let yourself be abused. It’s one thing to use communication techniques to diffuse the situation, but that doesn’t mean you should allow yourself to be consistently ridiculed. If you try these techniques and the other person continues to insult you, consider removing yourself from the situation if at all possible. Life is too short to spend an inordinate amount of time around people who are consistently negative. Finally, the worst thing you can do is to hurl an insult back in an effort to defend yourself or let out frustration. Doing this may make you feel better in the moment, but it is guaranteed to create a downward communication spiral. Chapter 76 THE REAL “NO SPIN” ZONE “Mets Blow It Again. Announce Piazza Will Begin Shift to First—before Telling Him” (New York Post) Consider an example from the world of baseball on how not to communicate . This is a story about the New York Mets and their star player Mike Piazza, whose days as a catcher appeared to be numbered 164 MAKE THE CONNECTION ...

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