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Carlson talks about adopting a solution-oriented, problem-solving attitude rather than nurturing a finger-pointing, who’s-to-blame point of view. Think about it. The blame game is so counterproductive. It unnecessarily puts people on the defensive and creates bad feelings. It also makes your team members (or others in your life) reluctant to come to you with a problem for fear that you will shoot the messenger. The more you adopt a “how can we fix it?” attitude, the faster you will reach resolution.The best part is that you will do this without bloodshed . You will also foster an all-for-one, one-for-all esprit de corps. Another technique for becoming more patient Carlson advocates is to be aware of how quickly our negative thinking can spiral out of control. “The more absorbed you get in the detail of what is upsetting you, the worse you feel,” he writes. Carlson calls this the snowball effect of your thinking. The key is to catch yourself before this happens—before the negative momentum builds. Very often we blurt out our first thought. If we give ourselves a moment or two to think through what’s really at stake, we tend to soften our verbal response. By doing this, we begin to see that the latest office problem or screw-up isn’t a matter of life or death. Chapter 92 ARE YOU A SNIPING SPOUSE? Anyone who is in an everyday relationship, either at home or in the workplace, understands how easy it is to get into stupid arguments. Sometimes these arguments seem to have no beginning or end. Other times we aren’t even sure what we are arguing about. Nowhere is this communication dilemma more real than between spouses. I’ve seen it with good friends who are couples that seem to be at each other’s throats all the time. They nit-pick and criticize one another. They embarrass each other in public. They are reluctant to admit their role in contributing to escalating the argument. They say really mean things when pushed against the wall. 198 MAKE THE CONNECTION With this in mind consider some ways to avoid becoming a sniping spouse or combative cubicle-mate: • Because of the need to be right becoming more important than a desire to get along, we can get caught up in arguing our point of view as if we were in a court of law and had to convince some judge or jury. But in any important relationship, being right is overrated. If your goal is truly to get along (and be happy) then a more cooperative, less adversarial mindset is required. • Don’t be so quick to react to what you perceive as the tone of the other person. When you do this, you run the risk of misunderstanding the underlying message he or she is trying to communicate. Of course tone matters (which is why you should be aware of your own tone), but we often incorrectly perceive the other person’s intent when we look for the worst. • Avoid complaining about your spouse to friends and family. We all do it to one extent or another. Recently, my wife, Jenn, overheard me complaining to my mother that she wasn’t being particularly understanding of my long work hours. Good thing my mother knows how great my wife is and how much of a baby her son can be. Yet, the problem is we sometimes build a case against our spouse (again to make ourselves appear right) and leave out important details to put an argument in context. It’s unfair to your partner, and the feedback you get from family and friends is often skewed based on the information you give them. • Another mistake is to bring up past events. Say you are talking about your partner coming home late without calling and instead of responding to what you have said, he blurts out,“But what about the time YOU came home late without calling?” The intent here is to take the attention off ourselves and fight back. The impact is to build barriers and cause your partner to be less than candid about things that bother him. • Stop and ask yourself,“What is really bothering me? Why am I so upset about this?”Sometimes it has nothing to do with the person, the situation, or the topic being discussed. It is really Relationships, Kids, and Communication 199 [18.118.145.114] Project...

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