Confessions

8. Struggles of Conversion

BOOK EIGHT Chapter 1 IIIY GOD, may I recall and confess Thy mercies to me, I in the act of giving thanks to Thee. Let my bones be bathed with Thy love and let them say: 0 Lord, 'who is like to Thee?'l 'Thou hast broken my bonds: I will sacrifice to Thee the sacrifice of praise.'2 How Thou hast broken them I shall tell, and all men who worship Thee will say, when they hear these things: Blessed be the Lord in heaven and on earth; great and wonderful is His Name.3 Thy words had clung tightly within the depths of my heart, Ps. 34.10. This Book tells the story of Augustine's final religious conversion. In the first decades of the twentieth century, it became fashionable to deny the truth and honesty of Augustine's account of his conversion. Of the many scholars who maintained that he was converted to Neo·Platonism rather than to Catholicism, in 386, the following may be mentioned: H. Becker, Augustin, Studien %u seiner geistigen Entwicklung (Leipzig 1908); P. Alfaric, L'evolution intellectuelle de s. Augustin (Paris 1918). The best rebuttal is offered by C. Boyer, Christianisme et neo.platonisme dans la formation de s. Augustin (Paris 1920); the essential points are well covered, in Eng· lish, by Sister M. Patricia, St. Augustine: Christian or Neoplatonist (Milwaukee 19!19). 2 Ps. 115.16. !I Cf. Ps. 75.2; 8.2. 195 196 SAINT AUGUSTINE and I was fenced in on all sides by Thee. I was certain concerning Thy eternal life, though I saw it 'in an obscure manner and as if through a mirror.'4 However, all doubt had been removed from me, concerning the incorruptible Substance , and that every substance sprang from it. I was desirous , not of greater certainty concerning Thee, but of becoming more steadfast in Thee. All the things in my temporal life were in a condition of uncertainty. My heart had to be cleansed of the 'old leaven.'5 The way itself, the Saviour, was pleasing, yet there was still some repugnance to walking His difficult ways. Thou didst put the thought in my mind, and it seemed good in my view, to proceed to Simplicianus,6 who seemed to me to be a good servant of Thine, for Thy grace shone in him. I had heard, too, that he had lived from his youth in great devotion to Thee. And now, at this time, he had grown old, and he had a great deal of experience in his long life of following Thy way with such good zeal. It appeared to me that he was learned in many things, and truly he was. The desire came to me to discuss my troubles with him, so that he might indicate what was the proper method for a man, disposed as I was, to walk in Thy way.7 (2) I saw the Church with its full membership; one man proceeded in this way, another in that. The worldly activities in which I was engaged were not pleasing to me and had become quite a burden for me, now that my desires were not inflamed , as they had been, by the hope for honor and wealth to support such a heavy servitude. For, now, these things held no delight for me in comparison with Thy sweetness and the 4 1 Cor. 13.12. 5 1 Cor. 5.7. 6 Simplicianus was an outstanding priest. At the death of St. Ambrose. in 397. he became Bishop of Milan. Augustine dedicated a special treatise to Simplicianus: De diversis quaest. ad Simplicianum; d. Augustine. Epist. 37. 7 Cf. Ps. 127.1. CONFESSIONS: BOOK EIGHT 197 'beauty of Thy house which I loved.'8 But, I was still firmly held in thralldom by woman. Nor was I prohibited by the Apostle9 from marrying, though he did exhort to a better state, desiring greatly that all men live as he had. But, being weaker, I chose the easier place,. and because of this one thing I was at sea in respect of everything else, enfeebled and consumed by exhausting cares, all because, having yielded and bound myself to the conjugal life, I was compelled to conform myself to it, even in some things that I was unwilling to undergo. I had heard from the mouth of Truth that 'there are eunuchs who have made themselves so for the sake of the kingdom of heaven'; but, as is added, 'let...