Confessions

6. Moral and Religious Indecision

BOOK SIX Chapter 1 i\lHERE WERT THOU, '0 My Hope from youth,'l and whither hadst Thou retired afar Off?2 Hadst Thou not made me and distinguished me from the beasts of the earth, making me wiser than the fowls of the air?3 I was wandering about through the darkness and over slippery ways,4 seeking Thee outside5 myself, not finding the God of my heart.6 I had come to the depths of the sea.7 I lost confidence and was in despair of finding the truth. My mother, strong in her piety, had already come to me, following me over land and sea, safe in Thee through all dangers. For, at moments of danger during the sea passage, she had reassured the sailors themselves, by whom inexperienced travelers across the bottomless depths are usually IPs. 70.5. 2 Ps. 10.1 (ace. to the Hebrews). 3 Job 35.11. 4 Ps. 34.6. 5 te loris a me: ct. De vera relig. 39.72: Inoli /oras ire, in teipsum "edi; in interiore homine habitat veritas. (Do not go out, go back into thyself; truth dwells in the inner man) . 6 Ps. 72.26. 7 Ps. 67.23. 129 130 SAINT AUGUSTINE reassured when frightened; she promised them a safe arrival,8 for Thou hadst promised this to her in a vision. She found me in serious danger because of my despair of discovering the truth. However, when I pointed out to her that I was no longer a Manichaean but not yet a Catholic Christian, she heard it as if it were not unexpected and she was not overcome with joy, since she already felt safe in regard to this aspect of my wretchedness, in which she wept for me as for one dead but destined to be restored to life by Thee. She was offering me on the bier of her thoughts, so that Thou wouldst say to the son of the widow: 9 'Young man, I say to thee, arise!' and he would come back to life and begin to speak again and Thou wouldst return him to his mother. And so, her heart did not beat with turbulent joy when she heard that the event, for whose accomplishment she had wept every day, had already come about in such great part that, though I had not yet attained the truth, I was now freed from error. Nay, rather, since she was certain that Thou wouldst also give the remainder of Thy complete promise, most calmly and with her breast full of confidence, she replied to me that she believed in Christ that before she would depart from this life she would see me a faithful Catholic. And this is what she said to me. To Thee, however, 0 Fountain of Mercies, went her prayers and her more abundant tears,.8O that Thou wouldst make haste to help me and enlighten my darkness.1o She hastened with greater zeal to the church, and hung upon the words of Ambrose, as to a fountain of water springing up unto life everlastingY She came to love this man as an angel of God,12 for she knew that he had led me to this uncertainty of doubt, by means of which I was to pass 8 For a similar experience of St. Paul, d. Acts 27.21-26. 9 The story of the widow of Nairn, Luke 7.1l-17. 10 Ps. 69.2; 17.29. Il John 4.14. 12 Gal. 4.14. CONFESSIONS: BOOK SIX 131 from illness to health by going through a still more serious danger, as if through that paroxysm which physicians call the crisis; and she was quite certain in this hope. Chapter 2 (2) And so, when she brought gruel, bread, and wine to the shrines of the saints, as she had been accustomed to do in Africa, she was stopped by the doorkeeper. When she learned that the bishop had forbidden this, she accepted it so reverently and obediently that I myself was amazed at how easily she became an incriminator of her own custom, rather than an adjudicator of this prohibition. For, the love of wine did not attack her spirit, nor did the fondness for wine move her to the hatred of truth, as in the case of many men and women who are nauseated by a sober celebration/3 as drunkards are at the prospect of a watery drink. But, when she would bring...