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21 Church Schism Every Body’s Got to Be Some Place The Holy Ghost got caught in the middle in a church split. He’d descended sensibly for once, into a group with a history of polity, but even there, a handful of Elders decided they didn’t like the preacher. At first they didn’t know why, then they prayed together and got up a list: He was too tall, he didn’t feed them spiritually, he was awkward with the children in the church, and one claimed to have theological problems with his sermons but wouldn’t specify what they were. The Holy Ghost adored lists, and felt right at home with vagueness and Jesuitical backbite. Whispered generalizations were His forte, after all. But tall! He’d liked the guy for being tall. For having crooked hands to show off at the benediction. The Holy Ghost used to pretend He had those drawn-up hands, that faint tall-man’s stoop in the upper spine, the genial forehead wrinkles, cold sweat on the skinny chest under the vestments. Suckered in by Presbyterians, and see where it got him! He felt his whole nature had been turned against Him, those things He liked disliked by the people He joined. Never any place for Him— self-pity another of His long suits— never any place at all. ...

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