Defiant Dads: Fathers' Rights Activists in America

7. Frayed Ties: Fathers’ Relationships with Mothers

7 Frayed Ties Fathers’ Relationships with Mothers The leader of Fathers for Kids, Sarah, is a middle-age, white woman who married a man with considerable experience battling the family court system. The meeting is at Sarah’s home, located in a small town in the South, and members gradually trickle in one by one. Everyone traverses through the garage littered with campaign signs to congregate in her dining room: Sarah not only leads Fathers for Kids but is quite active in local Democratic politics as well. The house smells strongly of cigarette smoke, as Sarah puffs away by the kitchen sink. Finally, when eight members (including one other woman and one black member) are present, Sarah begins the meeting by asking members to comment on current issues that they are struggling with in their lives. Fathers for Kids Member 1: I am really frustrated. I have had two custody evaluations done. The first one was done right away. But we didn’t get to court in time so the evaluation became too old for us to use. So, we had to begin again with another custody evaluation . But the latest news is that my ex-wife went ahead and registered my daughter for summer camp. I am sure that she did this to keep me away from my daughter. Frayed Ties 175 Fathers for Kids Member 2: Well, my ex blocked me from obtaining my child’s school records. My ex also keeps registering my kid for camp without my permission. (A general discussion ensues about which ex is worst. Finally, Fathers for Kids member 2 redirects the discussion by declaring that he should change his own personal web address to www.shootthebitch.com. After some laughter, Fathers for Kids member 1 brings the group’s attention to another one of his personal problems with his ex-partner.) Fathers for Kids Member 1: That’s not all. My ex also filed an order of protection against me. The judge then made this crazy suggestion that I should try to talk to her. (Name calling breaks out. One man suggests that the judge in the case is a “bonehead.” Another man, referring to Fathers for Kids member 1’s ex-wife, calls out, “The bitch!”) Fathers for Kids Member 3: I thought my ex was “the bitch.” (Laughter ensues. But soon thereafter the meeting takes on a decidedly different tone when Fathers for Kids member 2 elaborates on several problems that he is experiencing with his fifteen-year-old son.) Fathers for Kids Member 2: Recently I noticed that my son had a lot of money in his pocket. I found out that his mother was giving him all of this money without making him do any chores. This made me so mad! I never do that, and that makes me a better parent. I know that my son knows that inside, too. I said to him, “Who teaches you fiscal responsibility?” Fathers for Kids Member 1: You are so wrong to do that! You are asking your son to choose between his mom and you. You are trying to alienate your child from his mother, when you should be trying to work with her in your son’s best interest. (Everyone in the room agrees with this last statement, and Fathers for Kids member #2 falls silent). 176 Defiant Dads The political goals of fathers’ rights groups are, in many ways, the public face that these organizations present to decision-makers and the media. To the extent that Americans are beginning to recognize the influence of these groups at all, they are familiar with this public face. There is, however, a much more hidden face of fathers’ rights groups in the United States today; this is the hidden face of their activities in the “personal” arena.1 Recall that in chapter 3, changing public policy was one of only three reasons individuals offered for joining their local fathers’ rights group; personal case management and support were the other two reasons individuals tended to join. But what exactly do these groups offer in terms of “personal case management”? And what exactly do they provide their members in terms of “support”? Unbeknownst to most observers who know only the political face, fathers’ rights’ groups offer their members a wide-ranging set of services designed to help them improve their private lives now that they are living apart...