My Life

PART VII: 1896 to 1899

PART VII 1896 to 1899 867 1896 vii.1 Preface to the year 1896 I have in my possession rather little in the way of materials relating to 1896, especially little in respect to Lev Nikolaevich, since [at that time] I never had in mind to do what I am doing now, i. e., describing our life. Nevertheless, I shall describe that year as much as I am able to in good conscience, based on the information I have in the materials [available to me] and from my memory.OnaccountoftheadministrationoftheMoscowHistoricalMuseum’sunjustlyholding on to all the papers I handed over to them for safekeeping, I did not have the chance to use these museum materials as before.1 There were a lot of things to think about that year, both family and other concerns. There were a lot of instances of inner turmoil and external complications, but all things considered, it was a pretty good year! I read over letters written by my husband and children during that year [1896], and my whole past family life flitted before my mental gaze like shadows of the past. How much love was shown me by my husband and my dear elder daughters and my sons Lev and Andrej!2 Our other sons, whoweren’tasopenbynature,didnotliketoexpresstheirfeelingsinletters—indeed,theydidn’t know how to — and so their attitude to me was never explicitly stated. Overall, this family life of mine was just as happy as the early years of my marriage, thanks to the love of my husband. How I would love to resurrect so many from the dead (Lev Nikolaevich, our daughter Masha3 ) and tell them how much I loved them and ask forgiveness from anything I was to blame for in their eyes. Too late! But my love for the dead and the living has not died in me, but burns still warmerandbrighterinmyheart,sinceinmyadvancedyearsalothasbeenclarified[=ujasnilos’] in my soul, before I myself am united in eternity with those who have gone before. vii.2 My trip to Tver’ — Three deaths Onthe2ndofJanuary[ourdaughter]SashaandIreturnedtoMoscowfromGrinëvka,4where we spent several days of the holidays, and soon afterward I was obliged to go to Tver’,5 where our son Andrej was doing his military service. I found him running a high fever, and while waiting for the military doctor to diagnose the disease, Andrjusha was obliged to carry out the requirementsoftheauthorities :goonwatch,gotodrills,etc.Iwasastonishedatsuchcruelty.Thedoctor was in no hurry to visit the patient, and Andrjusha’s situation gave me such a fright that I took ill myself and had to go to bed for a day: I ate nothing, I was shaking all over as though in a fever, my pulse was beating overly fast, I felt suffocation and heart palpitations. When the military doctor finally arrived, he listened to my heart and said that such a fast pulse meant the onset of a serious disease. Andrjusha was alarmed and called in Dr Pëtr Il’ich Petrunkevich, who diagnosed it as a serious attack of nerves, that there were murmurs in my heart, but that it would all pass. So it did. And when Andrjusha recovered, I returned home to Moscow. 1 AccordingtoPokrovskaja&Shumova(1980:198)thislackofaccessarosefromadisputeoverarchivalrightsbetween sat and Vladimir Grigor’evich Chertkov (see Part iv, Note 45). Supported by the Tolstoys’ daughter Aleksandra L’vovna, Chertkov succeeded in having sat denied access to the room in the Historical Museum where lnt’s archives were kept. 2 Lev L’vovich [Lëva] Tolstoy (1869–1945) and Andrej L’vovich [Andrjusha] Tolstoy (1877–1916). 3 Lev Nikolaevich [Lëvochka] Tolstoy (1828–1910), Marija L’vovna [Masha] Tolstaya (1871–1906). 4 Grinëvka — see Part v, Note 79. 5 Tver’ — see Part iii, Note 418. Regarding Andrej’s military service in Tver’, see Chapter vi.122 (“In Tver’”). my life 868 While I was away, the husband of Lev Nikolaevich’s niece Varvara Valer’janovna,6 N[ikolaj] M[ikhajlovich] Nagornov7 died, leaving a family of seven children practically penniless. In letting me know about this, Lev Nikolaevich wrote: “Death sobers up people but good.” At almost the same time news was received about the passing of Nikolaj Nikolaevich Strakhov .8 He was ill only for a brief time with glandular cancer, which probably remained in his body after an operation he had had the previous year, entered his brain and poisoned it, which was the cause of death. Our old friend died in Petersburg, at the...