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8. The Side Effect of Side Effects
- University of Wisconsin Press
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121 8 The Side Ef fect of Side Ef fects On Au gust 8, 1990, I had “a neuro log i cal event.” I know it was Au gust 8 be cause the only thing I was able to say for sev eral hours was How could it be Au gust 8? I know it was 1990 be cause I was about to par tic i pate in the clin i cal field trial of a new drug that might be able to treat the viral ill ness I’d contracted twenty months ear lier, tar get ing my brain and leav ing me so neuro log i cally shred ded I was judged to tally dis abled by the So cial Se cur ity Ad min is tra tion and my skep ti cal in su rance com pany. To qual ify for in clu sion in the drug trial, I had to have a spi nal tap. It didn’t mat ter that I had one a year ear lier for di ag nos tic pur poses. Re sults of med i cal re search have to be stan dard ized, and each sub ject in the drug trial had to undergo pro ce dures an a lyzed by the same lab in the same way at the same time. Ei ther the tap, it self a breach of ce re bro spi nal in teg rity, or a leak of spi nal fluid from the site where the tap oc curred, or the re sult ing de hy dra tion de spite all the water I du ti fully drank, or a fur ther wors en ing of neuro log i cal dam age caused by a re ac ti va tion of the A Spinning World 122 virus we were hop ing to counter act or of my im mune system after the intro duc tion of a nee dle into my body, or some other un known trig ger had caused me to wake up on the morn ing of Au gust 8, 1990, un able to fig ure out where I was in time or space, what was hap pen ing, or what I could do to make sense of it. Ap par ently, I found the morn ing news paper and saw the date. Then I called my for mer wife, said how could it be Au gust 8? over and over, in re sponse to each com ment or ques tion, hung up, and went back to bed until the door bell rang. I opened the door, naked, and greeted the woman—our new re al tor, who lived down the street and had been called to help by my for mer wife—by say ing how could it be Au gust 8? She looked at my eyes, her gaze never drift ing, told me to get dressed, and waited on the porch. I woke up on a gur ney in the emer gency room at Ore gon Health Sci ences Uni ver sity, not far from where I’d had the spi nal tap. My daugh ter was there, was not, was. My doc tor came in, wig gled the IV line re hy drat ing my system, nod ded as he spoke. It was not a stroke. It was not a tumor. It was a neuro log i cal event. These things hap pen. Not his fault. I will be all right. I nod ded back. Of course of course. A horse is a horse of course of course. I will be all right. What, ex actly, does he mean by all right? When? I can’t go home until I can pee. I was in the hos pi tal, so I was no longer lost in space. My daugh ter looked the same age I re mem bered her being be fore, a month shy of eigh teen, so I was no longer lost in time. Or not too lost. Be cause I still had no idea how it could be Au gust 8. Tem po ral un cer tainty: an other way of say ing where I was. Tem po ral lobe: an other way of say ing where my brain le sions were. Tem po ral bone: an other way of say ing where my skull was about to ex plode. Just over eight months later, the drug trial was sus pended. No one got bet ter...