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194 44 If it was time for good­ byes, then I owed the kids at the Y a visit too. I’d ne­ glected them, which is a rot­ ten thing to do to lit­ tle kids. I ­ hadn’t even ex­ plained, and kids don’t sit ­ around sur­ mis­ ing on death and taxes, so they prob­ ably just ­ thought I ­ didn’t like them any­ more. Noth­ ing could be fur­ ther from the truth.­ There’d been calls of ­ course from Mandy, the co­ or­ di­ na­ tor of the After­ school Pro­ gram, when I’d ­ stopped show­ ing up. None of which I’d an­ swered. I sim­ ply lis­ tened to her mes­ sages and then ­ waited to call back at 3:00 a.m. a week later when I knew she ­ wouldn’t an­ swer. “My boy­ friend died, Mandy. I can’t deal with the kids right now. Sorry. I’ll give you a call in a while.” I ­ hadn’t heard back from her, until the very day I de­ cided to go visit. On my way out of the house, I ­ checked my mail, and there was the en­ ve­ lope in ­ Eustacia’s per­ fect ­ script. In­ side, con­ do­ lences on some ­ cheesy­ dime-store card dec­ o­ rated with white flow­ ers. All the kids had ­ signed the thing, which read some­ thing like “In your time of grief, know that you are in our ­ hearts . . . yadda, yadda, yadda.” There was ­ Eustacia’s beau­ ti­ ful ­ script again, ­ Ivan’s name mis­ spelled “Ovan” for old ­ time’s sake; ­ Miguel’s ­ scrawl; Win’s frus­ trated W and I con­ nec­ tion in cur­ sive; Mo’s enor­ mous (each let­ ter of a dif­ fer­ ent scale), mon­ i­ ker with first, mid­ dle, and last name, tak­ ing up half the card. Why’d you go and do that, Mandy? 195 I had to go back up­ stairs. On the floor, back to the wall, my knees up, face in my hands ­ between my legs. Pull. But there was no way I could go visit after that card. I ­ didn’t dare. Sorry kid­ dies. Bet­ ter luck next time. ...

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