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79 4 Im­ mi­ grant Pa­ rent­ ing Your chil­ dren are not your chil­ dren. They are the sons and daugh­ ters of ­ Life’s long­ ing for it­ self. They come ­ through you but not from you. . . . You may house their bod­ ies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of to­ mor­ row, which you can­ not visit, not even in your ­ dreams. Kah­ lil Gi­ bran, The ­ Prophet, 1923 We late ­ boomer sub­ ur­ ban par­ ents prob­ ably ­ raised the most over-­ sched­ uled bunch of ­ American kids ever. With Mom and Dad busy at work, tak­ ing turns with ­ after-school ac­ tiv­ i­ ties, our kids grew up at the Y, the ­ children’s mu­ seum, the sci­ ence mu­ seum, the dance stu­ dio, the mar­ tial arts stu­ dio, the local pub­ lic li­ brary, and other as­ sorted sites. They ­ signed up for chess club, lan­ guage club, ro­ bot­ ics club, jazz band, or­ ches­ tra; or en­ rolled in soc­ cer ­ leagues, base­ ball lit­ tle ­ leagues, bas­ ket­ ball intra­ mu­ rals, swim­ ming teams, or track teams. Sum­ mers found them at sci­ ence, com­ puter, math, dance, and music camps. As Neil Howe and ­ William ­ Strauss found out stud­ y­ ing our chil­ dren, they were­ raised by par­ ents who ­ placed a high value on ac­ tiv­ i­ ties.1 Un­ struc­ tured free time among kids ages three to ­ twelve de­ creased 37 per­ cent from 1981 to 1997. We told them we kept them busy (too busy ac­ tu­ ally) so they could ­ sharpen their ­ skills and tal­ ents. In truth, we also over­ struc­ tured their lives to pro­ tect them from the harsh world we knew grow­ ing up. So our chil­ dren ­ worked hard for ac­ co­ lades and ­ learned too soon to link ef­ fort and re­ ward. They ­ trusted the in­ sti­ tu­ tions re­ spon­ sible for their over­ sight in ways our gen­ er­ a­ tion never could, and grew up 80 Immigrant Parenting pres­ sured to excel. Told they were “spe­ cial” and ­ gifted, they came of age ­ second-guessing those abil­ ities, hop­ ing never to dis­ ap­ point their pro­ gen­ i­ tors. To con­ firm our hopes of their bright­ ness, we scru­ ti­ nized every tran­ script, test score, and ­ school ac­ tiv­ ity—push­ ing them to excel in every­ thing they did. They ­ learned to care­ fully plan their ac­ tiv­ i­ ties, ­ quickly be­ com­ ing ex­ perts in time man­ age­ ment. ­ Team-oriented, the only way to sur­ vive such bru­ tal reg­ i­ men, they were far more ­ afraid of fail­ ure than we ever were at their age. We ­ watched them be­ come ­ self-fulfilling proph­ e­ cies— young achiev­ ers, ­ driven re­ peat­ edly by the draw of their own suc­ cess.2 Only now we won­ der if the over­ ach­ iev­ ing came at too hefty a price. On the one hand, they love their tri­ umph—four in five teens now be­ lieve they will be more fi­ nan­ cially suc­ cess­ ful than their par­ ents. On the other, they grew up too fast. High ­ school stu­ dents these days walk ­ around with de­ tailed five- to ­ ten-year fu­ ture plans. ­ Rather than a means to an end, suc­ cess has be­ come the sum­ mun bonum, gen­ er­ at­ ing fur­ ther ef­ fort,­ harder work. They know how to win the game they are play­ ing, and know that vic­ to­ ries will lead to a bet­ ter life (the more rea­ son to keep play­ ing it well). But my gen­ er­ a­ tion won­ ders ­ whether our kids will find real in­ trin­ sic re­ wards in what they do. My guess is that the in­ trin­ sic satis­ fac­ tion came in the ­ in-between mo­ ments, in per­ son with ­ friends with whom they could bear their souls, their in­ se­ cur­ ities, their pain; or per­ haps on­ line with ­ like-minded peo­ ple who ­ shared their ques­ tion­ ing. While ­ highly pro­ grammed to excel, they prob­ ably do not know other forms of ex­ cel­ ling ­ besides the con­ ven­ tional ones laid out on their path. My gen­ er­ a­ tion ex­ peri­ mented, ­ dropped out, and ­ freaked out par­ ents and ­ friends...

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