Zea Mexican Diary: 7 September 1926—7 September 1986

IX. Letters to Mary Morgan

Letters to mGlf'ymOf'gGlfl Inall cultures, in this day & age, I shd have thought, there are ceritain customs connected wI family SUPPORT & community SUPPORT & LIFE! not DEATH support! helping towards the light if not ensuring continuity and making it possible, surely, for the blood to flow again thru 173 the tissue where there are BLACK HOLES & deep deep caverns/scars But it seems to me that we have so marginalized our males (or have they so marginalized themselves ) that we don't even know how to comfort them Xcept perhaps as lovers or chilldren ... or in other words unless they SURRENDER their pain & abasement to yr conditions . .. I mean widows we know how to deal with 'in the culture'/ & they seem to know only too well (if! may say so) how to signal for HELP/ how to ensure! even ensnare protection /reconstruction • & I cannot mean any ofthis unkindly - & in anycase they are usually more physically& mentally prepared & independent & have steadied themselves somehow for these 'eventualities' 174 I mean at least they know how to shop inside the market or the supermarketl how best to feed themselves & others sew buttons on etc etc etc! or so it seems 2 But the widow's Other? the widower? in a-weculture ? Depending on his age/con- dition he's either useless cock or hot new uneXpected 'property'l the newly'eligible "bachelor"'. In either/neither case NO/BODYbizness wid im grief & dislocation. im is suppose to rope {'real man' na cry etc etc etc)/ &Qannuppunimonetwofeets as VP rather harshly told me when I ask for help 175 PS As a nonJamaic an 'Jamaic an'/foreign na tivel residentl nonresident alien or vic e versa verso (not sure how this go) bereft of wife (dead wiFe) B. (living) sister wi few real frenns (I see this now)/ out sid C? r (it wasn't that before but that's it now! at least that's how I feel) livin up here in this what to the villagers (0 lC't mC' starC' {or awal,1 (rom this onC' now) can on Il,! appear as Grudgeful Great House (au (r) lovelv ole 8. rambling beat-up [& since Sept (again l ) BB ruined] Maroon 'Dump')! I am a double outer! at this time when i need a how i need so much the opposite But perha ps the saving grace of this - shall we sal,! - aspect of our culture - I begin to suspec t now - was [do I believe this?] lost upon The Middle Passage - but not th at first one from the golden coast B. co 176 st of Guineo but this still solter one thot I/we on todoV - thot cut us from th (e) tubes of vom 8t vii loge/ into the her bon doncehol/ 8t the dungle 8t the tides of garboge 8t the garbage dump or as Dream Chad puts it, from countrvside 8t buttapan on/to this Middle CIOSSag C? Passage Into 'dish' 8t 'dis'/ dis/str ess dis/c rimination the loc k 8t lost of but terflies 8t green 8t trees/ so that when dark cames we never know again how HELP con HELP . despite the flogs/ 8t ?faith in a-we culture 4 No - the dyam food int important · - but you place a plate a warm-up rice before me without lookin at me - without speakin to me - without my askin for it 177 - wGntin it - as if i was some kind a heg or beggar or a cat or puppy - happy & ~ectant of & for such mercies for such crumbles No - the dyam food int important even when a hungry; but as a say before it is the kind & kin da word - the thoughtful act the spiritual sup & sip together - the ingather - the partake the share And yesterday, after Nev's funeral, there was a lot of touching & unspoken hand-grips even hugs But after that each one went him or her own way [like happened to me after Mex's death] despite the 'What can we do?' 'How can we help? but being careful really not to ask or not to mean the ask, avoid the eyes, or if the really ask, cringing away in shale or shallow/shadow or duckin down the pretend head in case me really ask in case me really answer ... 178 5 Everyonel I feell shd...