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This book concerns cycles of addiction, surrender, and early recovery. It may seem repetitive because the spiraling descent one experiences while actively addicted to narcotics tends to occur in repeated patterns. Its emphasis is on my own lived experience in Ciudad Juárez, Mexico, and El Paso, Texas, from 1998 to 2003. This story is not just my story; it is also the story of those whose experiences paralleled my own. It is the story of my progressive and downward spiral within the whirlwind of active addiction, my ultimate surrender, and my emergence into the “new.” Because both change and reflection are essential elements in the process of recovery from active addiction, this book focuses on them through my analysis of past and present. (Note: “Active addiction” refers to the condition in which an addict is pursuing the substance he craves; in recovery, a former user is still considered an addict, just not an active one.) Faded and forgotten, my lived experiences are too numerous and elusive to recall in their entirety. In this narrative, I have attempted to share some of the basic trends and patterns of active narcotics addiction along with my life experiences on the U.S.-Mexico border. In no way do I wish to glamorize or minimize the pains, fears, and uncertainties associated with the lifestyle of a drug addict. Many of these feelings are indescribable—and practically impossible to reproduce within a written account. P r e fac e THIS PAGE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK ...

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