An American Tune: A Novel

22 “Helpless”

218 “Helpless” From TGilbert@gilbertlaw.com To JBMI65@aol.com Subject Re: Then Date Sent Mon, Dec 3, 2002 8:12 am Ihatetothink how many timesI’ve runit allthrough myhead, thinking , what if I hadn’t gone? What if I’d come back that night, like I should have? The only thing I know for sure is that if I’d been there and been the one who woke up and heard Bridget leave, I’d have let her go. I was sick to death of her by then–all the fucking melodrama about her love life, her political tantrums, her moral outrage about every little thing. And, okay, since we’re coming clean here, I was pissedoffatyou,too.Ijustdidn’tgetthethingwithmymom;thatwas part of it. But mainly I was pissed off because you kept taking Bridget in. All the time she lived with us, right from the start, I wanted her to leave. But if I’d said, “Okay, I’m done. It’s me or Bridget,” I wasn’t sure which one of us you’d choose. I was glad every time she went away. And, yeah, we were friends in high school. I liked her family; they were always good to me. But I swear to God that, by then, if Bridget had gone and blown herself up that night all alone, I wouldn’t have been that sorry. 22 219 “Helpless” Even after all this time, there’s no way I can explain how I felt Christmas morning when I got home and you were gone. You’d made your choice, I thought–and without even leaving me a note to tell me why. I didn’t know about the bombing until a couple of hours later, when the guy next door stopped by with some cookies his wife had made and mentioned it, and the fact that a body had been found. I called the police. What else could I do? I told them that Bridget had been here, that you were missing. For three days, until what was left of Bridget was finally identified, I was afraid you were the one who died–and all I could think was that if it wasn’t you and if I ever saw Bridget again I’d kill her myself. I think I would have, too. But then I’d think, if it wasn’t you, if you did make it out alive, then you’d gone off with Cameron. Which, it turned out, was true. YouaskedhowcouldInothaveknownthatyouneededmetostay that Christmas Eve. I did know. You were pissed at me for asking you togo;I waspissedat you forbeingstubbornaboutnotgoing with me. Then Bridget came and the whole thing shifted and I felt like you’d chosen to spend Christmas with her instead of me. So, stupidly, I left, mad, and drank too much at the fucking country club and had to stay the night. I blame myself for that. Buthere’swhatIwanttoknow.AfteryougotawayfromCameron, why didn’t you come back? Didn’t you know I’d want you back, no matter what? * * * From JBMI65@aol.com To TGilbert@gilbertlaw.com Subject Re: Then Date Sent Tues, Dec 4, 2002 1:17 am I knew. There wasn’t a moment I didn’t want to come back. When I think about it now, it seems totally obvious that I should have called you the second I got away from Cam. You’d have come for me, we’d have figured out what to do together. But then, so many things seem obvious to me now. 220 An American Tune This is such a strange age, isn’t it? The way, suddenly, you have this long view of your life–like the map of a journey that had no map when were traveling it. You see how clearly one road led to the next and the next. You see what mattered. You, Bridget, Claire. That was it forme–andmymother-in-law,Jo,whowastherealreasonIendedup where I am. If I hadn’t encountered her by chance, I don’t know how much longer I could have just wandered, resisting the temptation to come back to you, regardless of the consequences. Because, like you said, I always knew where you would be. Funny. Now it’s news 24/7. You can find out anything, anywhere, any time. Then, we didn’t know, couldn’t safely try to find out what had actually happened after the bomb...