Double Life

United States of America

The hardest part of having a mental illness is not the struggle of dealing with the treatment, which is no easy feat, but it is hiding all of the symptoms associated with them. They are invisible to the outside world and on the inside, they pull you in a million directions. Those with a mental illness spend time making up reasons for why we cannot attend family and social events, go to lunch with coworkers or take a vacation with friends. Just as you must fight to keep together on the outside; you must equally fight to feel authentic on the inside. This essentially leaves you living a double life.

Since the age of three, I have struggled with mental illnesses; all were ignored because my family's focus was on how I looked. I was taught to only worry about the outside. And so, I did. I hid the abuse I was experiencing and instead I developed an eating disorder, which today is classified as Anorexia Nervosa; which has severely impacted my physical development and adult life. Since I grew up in a family where I was to be seen and not heard, the abuse I experienced turned into post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These compressed by additional diagnosis' including Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Anxiety, Insomnia, and Depression; ingrained a footprint on my childhood and continues today. There are nine mental illnesses I suffer from, all limiting my daily activities.

However, as an adult, just as a child, I hate the labels that I have been given and try to hide them at all costs. I wanted to fit in with my peers and hide all of the scars on the inside and outside growing up and nothing has changed. Perhaps the only difference is that I intellectually understand that what I went through growing up was not the norm. In some ways that makes me feel stronger for knowing that I survived what most people cannot but, it also once again puts me in another category to overcome. In addition, what gets me down is how our society is formed. Why physical appearance continues to matter more than anything else still fathoms me, however, it needs to be addressed. Too much of our lives is about what is on the outside: what we look like or what we wear. What is lost is whether or not individuals have disabilities on the inside. What is on the outside does not keep our society running. Nothing matters more than what is on the inside including our mental health.

Often, outsiders assume how mental illness' affects everyone based on the broad definitions of these diseases; and what I am here to empathically express is that there is no such thing as a typical presentation of any mental illness. When in reality, just as in trying to treat cancer, there may be general guidelines and previous experiences that people can learn from but in the end one treatment is not going to exactly work for the next person. This is one part of being the patient that is stressful. It adds to my anxiety because I am not the typical teenager with bones sticking out of my body. I do not fit the mold and neither does my treatment team. Unlike many, I am ahead in my treatment because I know the root causes of my mental illness'. However, it does not erase my PTSD.

The abject environment I grew up in was a smoke screen to anyone who was not living in my home. It greatly distorted how and the way I function today. I have always been different and I knew as a kid that I did not fit in; and this was not just because I did not have friends or because I was overweight. There was something deep inside of me that limited my self-esteem and social interactions. I remember adults whispering around me, attempting to mask their opinions about what was wrong with me. The result of having more "labels" isolated me even more.

I have never been a fan of doctors because I...