Documenting Assimilation to the State of Marriage (Points I. through XII.)

1. I. At the wedding, M.i.L. gives two toe rings. How often should I wear them? I ask. Whenever you feel like, she says. H. advises me to bend down, to touch M.i.L.'s feet. This is to emphasize respect.

   1. A. (I know that.)

   2. B. I do touch her feet, though it makes me uncomfortable. In my family before marriage, girls were not expected to touch their elders' feet.

2. II. On my honeymoon, I wear the two rings. Silver tickles my toes, grains of sand catch underneath the shanks of the rings. The texture is foreign to me. Neither do I dislike it, nor do I enjoy it. I do not wear the rings for the next few weeks after that.

3. III. Why are you not wearing your rings? M.i.L. asks.

   1. A. I complain: The rings cut against my skin. This is a lie. There is no blood. They do not cut; they nip (lightly, like mosquitoes). She tells me they will grow more comfortable. The sharp silver edges where the rings expand will mold to me. Or rather, my skin will mold to them. She takes off her socks, wiggles the silver full circle, rounding her thick toe. Her toes, along with the rest of her body, are lighter in color than mine. My blood mother was the first to point this out. See? she says.

   2. B. I hold her feet and cry. H. is kind for the most part. Kind enough. Though I am not sure how to gauge a man's kindness as a lover. I wish there had been a course for this in college. He cooks, and he holds both of my hands in bed. Still, I feel as though I have left myself somewhere by accident, and when I return to find me, I am no longer there.

4. IV. How often should I wear them? I ask again.

   1. A. Whenever you feel like, she says.

   2. B. And then, every day after that.

      1. 1. Her smile is wide and genuine. If she has comprehended my desire for explanation, then she has decided it is best to ignore it.

      2. 2. The differences between first generation Indian Americans and second generation Indian Americans are too many to count. At times, these differences build up into something too painful for the elder to acknowledge in any form except passive-aggressive resignation, consequences of life.

         1. a. That is, M.i.L. is embarrassed by the fact that her oldest son consumes meat and imbibes alcohol. You capsized my joy, she says to him during one of our first dinners together. To be frank, though, she may be referring to the fact that he tied himself to a woman beneath his caste (me). Also, we do not pray every day. The first two months I did, and then it became this hurried task to prepare for her visit.

         2. b. In spite, shame goes both ways.

5. V. On an evening of rain, I read that the rings are Ayurvedic. That by wearing them, a woman eases menstrual cramping, increases her chances of conception, and makes intercourse more pleasurable. I read these facts out loud to

   1. H. That makes sense, he says. Don't you think?

   2. A. I know he does not mean to be mean, that rather he means, Would you not agree? But in my head I replay and repeat:

      Don't you think?

      Don't you think?

      Don't you think?

      This is a by-product of being raised with intention for marriage.

   3. B. I call H. at work to apprise him of my conclusion. You are free to do as you please, he says. You always were. Can we talk about this when I reach home?

6. VI. F.i.L.'s sister sends me three more toe rings. She lives in Kolkata. F.i.L. is seventy; his sister is two years older than he is. I imagine a woman with curls of silver hair, silver toe rings affixed to aging, sandaled feet.

   1. A. Imagination: The sister walks my rings to the post office. Her...