Hole

lucy choked on a sharp piece of bone last summer. we took her to theemergency vet & now she breathes through a hole in her throat. when i thinkabout it i think about black holes, how physical laws cease to exist at theircore. here is what i'm trying not to think about: pills hidden in an emptycontainer of nivea chapstick, the bruise on my hip, and where i will be when ifinally stop loving you. this is what i don't know. these are things i do know:cigarettes are the most traded item in the world. oenophobia is an intensefear or hatred of wine. in the french language there are 17 words that meansurrender. the summer of the hole i collapsed on red ground in a circle ofwomen & said i don't want to be alive anymore. when i think about lucy ithink about how 93% of our bodies are stardust & years after the fact thenurses at my doctor's office still know to make me stand backwards on thescale so i can't see the number. 3 weeks before the hole sophia told me if youkill yourself i will still love you. when i think about last summer i think abouthow easy it was, to try to leave this earth unblinking, split second. here iswhat i'm trying not to think about: space & loss & the Vermont air in winter,the colonial houses white and green. no one accepts i just want there to beless of me as an answer. this is something i know: to clean the hole, you need2 sheets of gauze, saline spray, a q-tip. when i think about lucy, i think abouthow she is never afraid. i think about galaxies, vast oceans contained in herlittle body. i bring her into bed with me & put my face next to hers lucy lucywe are both still here and we are the only ones who know what a strangething it is, to be back, willing, amongst the living.