- Playing Dead, and: Ode to Emptiness, and: Ode to Egress
Playing Dead
The first time I was touched,
parts of me were seen:the nautilus, the teeth,
the cavern of mouth, how a questionmarks the spine and then it is never
answeredhow his seeing became my seeing
he surprised me his fingerslipped into
a barren—burrowsa bare
contusionI thought I was exposed
but unbeknownst to me,most parts remained unseen
and I was to retain this unseen feelingmost of my lifeI've spent apart, not a part
of any tribe or religion or possemost of my life I identified with animals
like the possumsearching for trash or playing dead [End Page 97]
After this thing was done to meI believed I played a part in it
an actress finds a partso she could slip, finally, into another skinmy parts, these parts
I wrote the whole thingoff, my feelings were leavesthat bypassed everyone and buried me
in autumn, my seams partedand all I did was write a poem—an odeto roadkill
and a decade passed before I knewI didn't give
permission, the only thing I could controlwas my reaction: wide-eyed, limp,maybe a gasp, maybe a sigh
When the possum plays dead, it entersa shock stage
It plays such a convincing partthat people have discovered possums this wayand buried them alive
Comatose, its glands produce rotting scentsGreen mucus shrouds its bodyto repel predators
The laws of predation knowa carcass can't be harmed
the same way a living thing canEven a predator is afraid of a deadbody in the dark
And then the possum lies stillon an empty road, under stars or pine treesshe'll never see,
until eventually a car comes speeding down the highwayand kills her, this time for real. [End Page 98]
Ode to Emptiness
There comes a time when you stop hopingfor love. What then to live for?
There are substitutes: the lunchon your lap, the power lines overhead,
the heritage buildings liningyour neighborhood—
razed yesterday, absent today, raised tomorrowfrom the dead. These black-bean
noodles never nourishedyou, only gave you that impression,
but perhaps their imprint was enough.What sweetness touches you now,
you must thank if you notice. Trashcan be delicious, tart as limes. There is mercy
in the way milk sours. Conveniencein the way we throw our spoils
away. Because some emotions are madeof plastic, junking up inside. Your debris
becomes your whole composition—your oeuvre of sorrow, it kills entire whales,
it litters your whole ocean—a super-isleof flotsam, never to decompose.
Every night you beg it to die,and every morning your wish is granted. [End Page 99]
Ode to Egress
I've always been taken with egrets the way their wings fold alone in the tall grass how their name is an echoof regret egret this shoreline has always carriedmemories of a child's loneliness where searching for relief from it and looking for the egretI skinned my knees on my bicycle the bruise turns greenand yellow as if attempting camouflage it feels true"Requite" means return, but also revengeand there is no returning this loveand I don't need more vengeance in me so I suppose it's OKfor you to leave me on the steps of the Brooklyn Museum I suppose it's OKthat I am sitting here still the ice cream melting in the cup and you egress regressinto the desert the hoarfrost of not knowingbut no this is not an ode it's a palinodeit's not OKit was never OK I egressto the windless shoreline where that one egret standing wildcould comfort me when there is nowhere [End Page 100] to put my heart I place it in the nestsomewhere by the river and push it outin hopes it will be found again or never [End Page 101]
Sally Wen Mao is...