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  • T
  • Bill Lavender (bio)

(aka Renny, July 14, 2002–June 29, 2018)

we took turns carrying the griefas if we were lugging a great weightacross a bridge and spelling each otherwith her arguing now through her tearsthat we should go ahead and put him downand then saying god look at him he's doing greattoday and i'm not going to put him downjust for our own convenience just becausewe're taking a trip and me at timesplaying the part of the tough countryboy and thinking like my mother wholoved animals sure enough but had dressedenough chickens and rabbits to haveno qualms about sending one off ifthat was the expedient thing to dofor the sake of either the animal's orthe master's comfort and just shakingmy head like my mother used to andsaying i think it's time and then takinghim for a walk and coming back and sayingto nanc i'm not going to be able to put himon the table if he walks in to the vet allspringy with his ears pricked up like hejust walked with me and so talking tobeth she said they would keep him whilewe were gone and we knew they wouldbut we felt bad because he really isa lot of trouble right now he paces all [End Page 509] night has to be let out at least four or fivetimes a day and even then has to sleepon pads because he wets the bed andeven occasionally drops a turd on the floorand that incessant anxious pacing likehe's always looking for something oralways wanting out but if you try to lethim out or give him what he wants he doesn'treally want anything turns up his noseeven at his favorite treat and then hebarks at the door like he wants to walkbut if you take him out he falls downthe steps and then after about half ablock he starts to pant and hang his headlike some mule who just plowed a hundredacres and you wonder if he can evenmake it back to the house and so we justfelt like it would be too much of a burdenfor will and beth since they are busyand have their own dogs plus of coursethe girls so we interviewed this specialneeds pet sitter who seemed ok shecharged forty-five dollars per night and it would betwenty nights kind of a lot but we were okwith the money if he was going to be wellcared for but then it occurred to us thatwe'd rather see that money go to will and beththan a stranger so we talked to them aboutit and it felt more right to leave him withsomeone who loved him almost as muchas we did and the money sort of boughtindulgence for our conscience so that wasthe way we were thinking to go and thiswas only about ten days out from nanc'sheading to portugal but then that afternoon [End Page 510] i walked him down to triangle park and i wassitting on the bench talking to my analystthrough the earbuds and T comes andstands right in front of me arches his backand poos and his back legs are shakingwith the strain like they sometimes do butthis time they give out under him andhe falls back into his own mess and hestarts trying to pull himself out of itpulling with his front legs and dragginghis butt in the grass which fortunatelycleaned him up a little bit and i helpedhim up and got him home but when i toldnanc about it she started crying and saidbut that's where we always saidwe would draw the line when he fell in hisown poo that's when we're going to do itand i said well maybe we can...

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