Coming Out and the Otherness of Gay Men Across Generations

Across the last two years and as the fiftieth commemoration of the Stonewall riots approached, I spent much time contemplating what it means to be a gay man. Specifically, I considered how gay men across the generations from the time of the riots in 1969 to this day negotiate and integrate their sexual identities into all aspects of their lives.

My introspection was informed by the life narratives of fifteen men aged nineteen to seventy-eight whom I interviewed for a book project and who constitute three cohorts I have come to know as the Stonewall Generation, the AIDS Generation, and the Queer Generation.¹ What bound all of these men is that they each came to realize their identities as gay men during their adolescence, not only physically but also emotionally and socially. What differed was the historical epoch in which the development of identity occurred, coinciding with the three groups, roughly the 1960s to the 1970s, the 1980s to the 1990s, and in the first two decades of the twenty-first century.

Each of the men whom I interviewed, whether they are in the life stage of young adulthood, middle age, or beyond, continue to experience the process of coming out in an effort to live his individual truth. As all of us know, coming out is not a once-and-done reality as some might envision. Rather it is an iterative and ongoing process. A wise nineteen-year-old eloquently stated to me during our conversation, "When you're gay you constantly have to come out."

Coming out is a psychological process that transgresses time and place with the ultimate goal of feeling content with one's self—having pride. It is important to note, coming out is about the person who is negotiating this identity not about those around whom he needs to tell. It is with this conception in mind that sociologist Richard Troiden situates the telling of others, a period of gay identity development know as commitment.² This is a critical element of the path to self-acceptance that is central to self-actualization.³ This framing parallels the paradigm put forth by psychologist Eli Coleman and aligns with the essential acts of self-and disclosure which are central to the model proposed by Vivienne Cass's paradigm.⁴ In effect, telling is about one's being and about living one's truth.⁵

In addition to the aforementioned, numerous other paradigms have sought to disentangle the intricacies and complexities of identity understanding, disclosure, actualization, and integration. But in approaching my own understanding of what it means to be a gay man, my goal was not to create yet another model, but rather to infuse these existing paradigms with color, namely the themes that permeate the life-long experiences of coming out.

A Sense of Otherness

One such theme that came to light across the men's stories is otherness—a sensibility we all experienced as children, which in later life, if not fully reconciled, fuels our loneliness. Our childhood confusion, shaped by the experiences of otherness, ultimately creates a peripatetic life leading to the "eureka" moment when we understand this feeling of uneasiness is about being gay. This pattern has existed since time immemorial and was remarkably similar across the generations of gay men who shared their life stories with me.

The emotional burden associated with otherness is captured poignantly by the New Yorker writer Richard Brody in his review of the film Beach Rats, the tale of a gay man of the Queer Generation growing up in working class Coney Island, New York. "At the center of this closed-in world is an outsider; Frankie is part of this tight-knit community but doesn't fully belong to it, and, though his appearance and behavior are (as far as those nearest to him know) indistinguishable from everyone else's, Frankie manages to set himself apart symbolically and warily, if not openly."⁶

As a result of otherness, the burdens and challenges associated with being a gay man commence at a young age and are...