writing rationally after rape: experiencing knowledge production in an academic music context

well i often doubt whether i ever actually DID any analysis anyway like we had this 1 gr8 lecturer who frequently said incredulously ‘. . . but would u really call this ANALYSIS?’, which has turned out 2 b 1 of most valuable + productive Qs iv been asked in my whole experience of academia & basically i think the correct answer was usually ‘no’ because 4 the most part i couldnt do it + didnt truly or deeply understand w@ it was & ALSO ultim8ly had no real investment or stake in the types of knowledge it was capable of producing sooooooooooooooooooo maybe it was not 4 me + yes sure i personally knew colleagues + peers whose work was ‘more musicological’ than ‘analytical’ aka either more xplicitly feminist subject matter or @ least more ok with feminist ideas in methodology/context, but i couldnt do th@!!!!!!!!!! bc reading excoriations of ubiquitous neverending misogyny sexism patriarchy (+ always implicitly by extension rape culture) all day is draining as fuck AS IS listening 2 panel chairs make lukewarm can-you-believe-it dad jokes about historical misogyny (not to mention colonialism) as if the fact that the beliefs + practices of some or other historical misogynists/bigots/murderers might look astonishingly stupid or ridiculous 2 ‘us’ 2day is somehow sufficient 2 take away the pain & sickness & horror of thinking about the experience of life for women in history especially poor women LGBTQIA women disabled women and women of colour, none of this is a fucking joke steven + ALSO even if ur work involves focusing on some like positive constructive identity-building pro-lady critical theory th@ is about HOW WOMEN CAN DO IT (language/knowledge) 4 THEMSELVES + STUFF, u r still goin 2 hav an absolute mare cos ppl keep sayin stufflike THIS!!!!!!

She hears certain sounds— words— repeated around her, and registers a variety of tones and vocalizations in her surroundings, and they may gradually begin to correspond to states of bodily feeling, for instance, her mother’s soft whisper as she enjoys the warmth of being at the breast and filling her belly¹

& this!!!!!!!!!

Woman has sex organs just about everywhere. She experiences pleasure almost every-where. . . . The geography of her pleasure is much more diversified, more multiple in its differences, more complex, more subtle²

& THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Women have a special relationship with fluids— breast milk, menstrual blood, afterbirth³

i ASK U honestly iv had some freaking amazng therapy + i feel gr8 + i can STILL barely read th@ w/o retching jesus i had 1 (really nice) counsellor who tried like AVERSION therapy on me where i had 2 practice writing or reading or even SPEAKING (argh) words like ‘body’ or ‘touch’ or ‘soft ’ or ‘flesh’ cos i couldnt do it w/o feeling sick urgh aaaaaaagh & NB IM NOT sayin those extracts dont represent gr8 important valuable pieces of work + im NOT getting down on sex-positive or bodily engaged feminism i think its GR8 + sure Kristeva et al KNEW th@ stuff would gross out ppl who h8 their female bodies + surely th@ was part of the point (?) but like i just canot escape wanting 2 throw up whn i read it or @ least i hav historically been UNABLE 2 up 2 point where i jst completely avoid it al2getha + 2day am still somewh@ averse & moreover i am obviously not the only 1 who has felt profoundly alien8ed by these literatures. trans + genderqueer + nonbinary readers have of course been marginalised by vagina-centric binary cis feminism⁴ — additionally even the most otherwise privileged cis women/girls can be alienated by body-centric discourses eg if they are victims of rape or childhood sexual abuse, or i mean even ‘just’ victims of growing up +/or going through puberty as a female-presenting person under an omnipresent male gaze in a simultaneously female-purity-and-sex-obsessed culture???????? bc seriously after th@ how can any1 feel like their own body actually BELONGS 2 them alone & is not inherently bad & shameful????????????

so i was in like yr 2 in school right + miss Hamilton or somebody idk was like guys 4 ur homework...