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  • My Body
  • Molly Kochenburger (bio)

when I was doing cokeI weighed ninety pounds

you could see my ribs through my shirtsand my skin bruised when it rubbed against my bones

especially on my hips and spinemy hair started falling outand my nose would start bleeding randomly

but I didn't see anything wrongwhen I got to detention

I was told I was severely emaciatedand that I had heart, lung, liver, brain, septum, and esophagus damage—

they said I'd always have a heart murmurfrom the drugs I'd mixed together

they considered doing surgery on my throatalthough they changed their minds later

they said it had been burned repeatedlyfrom pieces of hot crack rocks flying to the back and scarring the tissues

they took my picture as an identificationfive months later when I went to Touchstone they took another [End Page 19]

the nurse put them side by side so I could see the differenceI looked healthier—my face wasn't hollowed and my eyes weren't black

in the detention picture I looked like I was about to dieand I probably was

now over a year from the day I was arrestedI weigh 130 pounds and my hair isn't dulled

I have color back in my cheeksand when I look into my eyes I see something instead of emptiness

there are still little things—I still have a heart murmur

although I don't have to take medication for itthere's a bump in my nose

and my jaw still hurts from when it was brokenthe two-year-old scars on my arms

will probably be there for the rest of my lifeand I've been told that if I go back to drugs

I'll be dead within eighteen months—I can say that at this very moment

(though it might change in an hour)I'm happy with me and my life [End Page 20]

Molly Kochenburger

Molly Kochenburger holds an associate's degree in human services with plans to continue education in social work. She is a survivor from eastern Connecticut, and she's very much enjoying being clean and healthy.

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