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  • Life is Why
  • Rianna Pauline Starheim (bio)

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Breathing in is called "inspiration." Oxygen is a drug. We're all on the same team. // The most interesting call for one of my EMT classmates, a firefighter, was a shooting—sixteen gunshot wounds, including one to the jugular. They resuscitated the patient three times before the helicopter arrived. "The first time he died on us…" the fireman says, to preface the remarkable thing he wanted to convey. // For years, the questions I have been asking are macro-level. I have forgotten heartbeats. For an EMT or paramedic, the big picture is the whole body, not the whole world. Emergency responders meet people on the worst days of their lives. Scared to death, scared of death. The goal is to prevent that day from being their last. Inspire, expire, inspire, expire—the long-term goal is inspiration. // In EMT class, we look at photographs of close-range gunshot wounds to the head, limbs lying near bodies, knives embedded in necks. "I'm not asking you to diagnose," our instructor says. "I want you to stop the blood. I want you to save this life." I ask too often, "What is the meaning of life?" The American Heart Association's motto is "Life is Why." // I forget a hair tie, I run late, I can't remember, I don't follow up—I'm not myself but I'm the self everyone here knows. "You're a lifesaver," I text Amanda, the ambulance driver, who covers for me and covers for me and still hugs me every class. "That's my job," she replies. // I use a stethoscope for the first time. Place buds to ears and horn to heart and gasp. My classmates laugh and tell me they felt the same their first time. I would've thought my heart skipped if I couldn't hear it steady. Breathing in is inspiration. We are cruel to ourselves, and each other. But early ambulances were off-duty hearses, operated by funeral homes. How far we've come. // I show firefighters something I've written. It's full of self-indulgence, bad writing, but I'm trying to believe my best is good enough. "I like it," they say. "How can it be better?" I ask. The captain frowns. "This is your story," he says, as if talking to a child. "It's not about better. It can't be better. It's just your story." [End Page 19]

Rianna Pauline Starheim
Washington, DC
@riannastarheim
Rianna Pauline Starheim

Rianna Pauline Starheim's work has appeared in Foreign Policy, Pacific Standard, Himal Southasian, New America, Dartmouth Alumni Magazine, and the literary magazine 40 Towns.

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