spam's Carbon Footprint, 2016, and: Ode to Soy Sauce & Fina'denne'

spam's Carbon Footprint, 2016

spam was born on July 5, 1937, in Austin, Minnesota—the home of Hormel and the spam Museum #cubistartyoucaneat. Eight pounds of spam die in a Chamorro stomach each year, which is more per capita than any other ethno-intestinal tract in the world. "Guam is Where the Impure Pork Products of America Begin!" Our guttural love of spam was born in 1944, when cases of the shiny cans were berthed from aircraft carriers. The fateful day my grandparents first tasted spam is commemorated as the Feast Day of the Immaculate Consumption. St. Hormel, pray for us. The rest of the story is gestational genealogy, a delicious cycle. Sadly, military recruiters are now worried that young Chamorros have become too unhealthy and obese to enlist in the armed forces. My food philosophy is simple: I eat therefore I spam. How can I prove that I'm an authentic indigenous person and not a spam script? At this year's Hormel spam Cook-Off in Guam, the "Pika Pieirogi" ousted the "Crispy Wanton spam Ravioli" for first place. I've eaten turkey spam, smoke-flavored spam, hot and spicy spam, garlic spam, spam lite, Portuguese Sausage–flavored spam, and more! WSFWJE? (What spam Flavor Would Jesus Eat?). Google: "the spam factory's dirty little secret." Oooohhh baby, here I am, come rub up on my belly like spam jelly—Oooohhh baby here I am, come rub up on my belly like spam jelly, Spam-Spam-Jelly, Spam-Spam Jelly! #mandatorymarley. In the morning, we can bring our spam labels to the Sorensen Media Group Offices in Hågatña and redeem 12 labels for a spam shirt and 9 for a spam hat. Guam is an acronym for "Give Us American Meat." My favorite scene of John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath (b. 1939) is when the tractor driver takes a lunch break near a tenant house and eats his sandwich of white bread, pickle, cheese, and spam. The curious, starving children surround him and stare at his mouth. Once upon spiral time, a Chamorro brother and sister refused to eat spam, so their Authentic Chamorro Grandmother banished them into the diaspora and cursed them to a life without meat. The vegetarian siblings migrated to Minnesota, where they opened the world's first "vegan butcher shop" and sold meatless meats at farmers markets and pop-up events. They dedicated their lives to creating the perfect vegan spam. They tried combinations of vital wheat gluten, garbanzo tapioca flour, and peanut butter. "The flavor's good but the texture's off," they say in unison. "spam is just a difficult whale to catch." If they ever succeed, I will never eat it.

Ode to Soy Sauce & Fina'denne'

IA wood carving of the last supperhangs on the wall above our dining tablein Mongmong, Guam, circa 1980s.Where's the fina'denne'? I wonder.

IIFina'denne' (pronounced fin-ah-den-ee)is the most important condiment, sauce,and/or marinade in Chamorro cuisine:

1 part soy sauce1 part lemon/lime juice or white/coconut vinegarchopped onions (white and/or green)chopped donne' (red chili peppers)chopped tomatoes and/or garlic (optional)

Mix in a bowl, chill, serve.

IIIFina'denne' is holy waterat every special Chamorro event. Spooned over rice, grilled meat and fish,cooked vegetables, and even green salad.On Guam, fina'denne' is servedat McDonalds and KFC.It was recently featured in Saveur magazineand now has its own Wikipedia page!

IVOn ordinary days, my dadsimply places the soy saucebottle in the middle of the table.

"Who's Kikkoman?" I once asked him.In his myth-making voice, he bellows:"Kikko is an ancient Chamorro chiefwho once caught 10,000 green sea turtlesand stored their tears in bottles."

"And soy," he says. "Soy is a magic beanthat grows in the Far East. The turtles eat thembefore swimming to Guam. It means, long life."

VI stare at the Kikkoman...