How to Have a Fake Affair with a Real Celebrity

You will find him one day, on Twitter, and follow immediately because he makes you laugh. Doing so will be a thing that changes your life. He will be the blankity blank of the most popular blah blah show since that one show, you know that one, which you would probably watch if only you could afford a TV.

*Star* a few of his tweets. If you're lucky, he will notice that you have 10,000 followers and maybe, just maybe, think that you are a Somebody. You are definitely not a Somebody—but, if you're lucky, he won't notice that. Your bio will be funny and your avatar will have been chosen for maximum appeal (read: from above and looking thin), so you can rest assured that you did all you could to make this possible.

Writer. Dater. Masturbator. Don't worry, my parents don't think I'm funny either.

He will follow you back, and when he does, take a screenshot immediately. He could realize that you are ridiculous and unfollow at any moment. Post the photo on Facebook. Text your parents and tell them. This is the most exciting thing to happen to you since getting into grad school (who are you kidding? This is the most exciting thing to happen to you ever). The first few times he stars your tweets, take a screenshot of that too. Do not take any chances while waiting for the other shoe to drop. Your friends will joke that you are a celebrity now. Remember that you are not a celebrity now.

On a Thursday in December, he will tweet about the hockey strike. You will star this tweet, and he will send you a private message.

He types: Hockey strike sucks!!!

Take your time responding. Be patient, doing so will make you seem busy (regardless of the fact that you actually are busy). You are busy with grad school and work and pretending you have a life that is more interesting than this. Be super witty, be incredibly suave and smart and super sophisticated. Use words like you are a goddamn Somebody.

You type: I know, right?

And you have never been more brilliant. A few seconds will pass before you decide it wasn't good enough and write something more elaborate.

You type up a creative scenario, a fool-proof plan, something about how the two of you should campaign elementary school children to write thousands of sad little letters detailing how badly this strike is affecting them. Nobody ever says no to sad children.

He responds: Thanks for the faves.

Ooph. Not great. Recede into the depths of your self-doubt. Over-think to the edge of madness. Did he not think the letter campaign was funny? It probably wasn't funny. Oh god, he's going to think you're an idiot. Jesus Christ, GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF! You are spinning out. He's just a person. Settle down and respond.

You thank him for making you laugh; he thanks you for being cute. He says all the things you wish men who live within bus fare of you would say. He thinks you're sexy. He thinks you're funny. He appreciates that you're in grad school, as if to confirm that higher education isn't completely without value. It's all flirt and swoon until he drops this bomb.

He writes: And I'm married so we have to be sneaky which makes for sneaky flirty sexting.

Whoa. Wait. What? He's married?!? Of course he's married. This is the Internet. Why would he be talking to you unless he was married? He could be out somewhere talking to supermodels and gorgeous actresses. So, yes, of course he is married (he is 100% married). The question now is whether or not this will bother you enough to offset the excitement of him wanting to talk to you. Or more precisely, as his message indicates, wanting to sext with you. Everything is so exciting!

Except, ugh, he is married. You will...