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  • Day of No Dead
  • Tina V. Cabrera (bio)

I recently read the eulogy written for my sister who died of cancer this past February. Divided into three chapters, it traces the major events and turning points in her life: born in Yokosuka, Japan; grew up in San Diego, California; baptized as a Jehovah’s Witness at age thirteen; married her best friend at eighteen. Chapter three praises my sister as having been the most outstanding mother and wife, always reliable when it came to her family. The “Final Chapter” alludes to her strong faith, which they say remained intact until the last minutes of her life. I don’t know who wrote the memorial tribute, whether it was my brother-in-law alone, my nephew, niece, or all three collaboratively. And at once this discomforting thought occurs to me: How do they know that her faith truly remained unwavering? What if she doubted in those “last minutes of her life”?

When someone dies, someone is usually authorized to encapsulate his or her life. The job of the eulogy or obituary writer is to summarize the deceased’s life succinctly, resisting the urge to fill in the blanks with could-bes or maybes. Could it be she doubted her God at the very end? The God who allowed her to suffer while saving others from misery? Could it be she sometimes faltered from being the perfect wife and mother? Maybe she longed to fulfill herself in other ways besides devoting herself to the needs of others? But speculation is irrelevant, and arranging the loved one’s past like the photos in a family album is meant to bring the mourners closer to closure.

We must move on, but before we do, pay tribute to the dead out of love and respect. Yet—how does one go about summarizing a life?

The Internet and other sources proliferate with instructions on how to write an obituary. The most basic format asks you to state the deceased’s entire name and date of death, followed by family background, marriage(s), life passions, education, achievements, and awards.

Beyond the basics, you have what funeral homes call exceptional obituaries (meaning the deceased lived a rich, interesting life). You may include all or most of the following.

Note: This list is based on my basic research of instructions for how to write an obituary. At certain points, I found myself questioning the reasoning behind certain guidelines; therefore, I’ve added my own glosses when and where appropriate.

- The deceased’s entire name.

- The deceased’s death information (date, location, cause, age at death, and a personal comment such as “surrounded by family” or “comforted by her husband”). NB: Sometimes it is desirable to omit the cause of death, such as when death came as a result of extreme violence or the carrying out of a court sentence. Only when the person died a so-called “natural” death is it deemed appropriate to mention the cause: Betty died peacefully in her sleep. How do we know? Doesn’t this kind of jargon assume that sleep is a universally tranquil experience? Ever struggle in the grips of a nightmare that’s anything but peaceful? Of course, the following version of Betty’s obituary is not likely to make it into any paper: Betty died some time during the hours of sleep. We know this because it was determined by the coroner’s office. We aren’t certain whether she struggled against death in the last moments because—well—we weren’t there, and she overdosed on prescribed barbiturates and sleeping pills. Accidental or purposeful death? The point is probably moot. What matters is that Betty was alive and now [End Page 155] she is dead. We will never know whether she died peacefully (whatever that means) or fought bravely (ditto) to stay alive or to die, or something or nothing in between.

- The deceased’s birth information.

- A brief story about the deceased’s life, in loose, chronological order, including relatives who preceded the deceased in death, who the deceased is survived by, the memorial and gravesite, special thanks (to whom or what for is up to the author...

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