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  • An Elegy for My Doppelgänger
  • Brian Turner (bio)

Turner, a celebrity chef, wrote Brian Turner’sFavourite British Recipes: Classic Dishesfrom Yorkshire Pudding to Spotted Dick. He playeddrums for the horror-punk band Schoolyard Heroes,played hockey for New Zealand in the sixties, liftedthe impossible as the eighth-strongest man in the world.

On weekends, he usually gets thrown in jailwith a DUI, runs a political campaign for House 116out of North Carolina, or coaches high-school footballat the local stadium. He dies throughout the week,though mostly on Tuesdays—if he’s not alreadyeulogizing the dead in small towns across America,where he’s often quoted in the Tribune at length.He’s died from heart failure, kidney disease,car wrecks, suicides, and just plain old age.He’s even been killed running across the streetin Phenix City, Alabama, on his wayto tell the kids about Jesus.

Brian turns sixty on Thursday, and he’ll be twenty-sevenon Monday. He’s a civil engineer in South Africa,a Vermont state trooper, a photographerin Kansas City. Turner was once a five-starfilm reviewer in London, a porn starin Escapade Amoureuse, and he playedfirst base for the Hardware City Rock Cats.

It’s true that he killed a woman in Flint, andhe was wanted for bad checks, forgery, thefts,and drug possession in Utah. In Texas,he was a VA whistleblower, and in New Yorkhe specializes in gastroenterology, though sometimeshe moonlights with a construction companyin Orlando, Jacksonville, Tallahassee, Tampa. [End Page 50]

In photographs, he’s clean-shaven or has a goatee,though sometimes he’s bald, wears a baseball hat,goes shirtless, stands against a tree or a brick wall,holds a fish by its tail, staring off into the distanceor looking directly into the camera’s eye. Sometimesit’s a mug shot, sometimes an old family photo.Mostly he just stands with a group of friends, smiling.

He met Jessica on Tinder and they plan to get marriedin July. He was married to Wendy Lynn for thirty years,before she passed away in Pennsylvania, althoughhe also lost Myrtle in June and Katherine Ann in February.He married Amy in Tennessee, who gave birth to Noahsometime in April. Katrina isn’t pregnant yet, thoughTracey just gave birth to little Liv Tracey back in January,and his son Simeon had another grandchild with Michelle,while Brian has also reunited with his high-school sweetheartback in West Virginia. It’s been thirty years on—so who knowsif they’re even able to have kids at this point.

He was born in 1941, in 1901, in 1953, and in 1837.He was born in Harlan County, Graves County, andin Victoria, Australia, though that was a rare one—as he’s most often born somewhere in Ohio,with his mother’s maiden name appearing in recordsas Kaczmarck, Mortimor, Hendrix, Ragland, and Rose.

At eighty-two, he died peacefully with his family by his side.He was known as a hardworking man, a great manloved by all, and he touched a lot of people’s lives.He died in De Leon Springs, in Fayetteville, Asheville,and was laid to rest at the Thompson Funeral Chapelin Litchfield Park. He worked at the Family Dollarin Prosperity. He was a loving father, a gentle soul,and he participated in a church ministry in Guatemala,as well as taking part in the US Missionto the United Nations in Geneva. [End Page 51]

No one has recorded a memory in his Memory Book,or left an audio message for the bereaved, or lit a candle,and the Guest Book for Brian Turner is no longeravailable. In lieu of flowers, memorials can be madeto the local Veterans Affairs, to the National Allianceon Mental Illness, or to the Home for Friendless Animals.Brian was a golfer, a hunting enthusiast, a good son.He will be remembered for his laugh, his great loveof memorabilia, his care for things big and small.Internment will be later in...

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