Auto[complete]

In the spring of 2015, I spent an afternoon in the library of a large, Midwestern university renowned for its literary tradition. My aim was to gain some fresh insight into the ideas and topics exciting young people today— which is to say, I was hunting for new stories to place at university presses where so many first readers are undergraduates.

My tools were a library computer selected at random, Google’s auto-complete function, and some basic prompts.

For those uninitiated to Google’s auto-complete:

Type a few words into a Google search and an algorithm generates suggestions to complete your sentence. For example, entering the phrase “where to go…” on my home computer (using the same “private” browser setting as at the library), Google suggests in Denver, camping, and swimming in CO to complete my search. I live just south of Denver and was searching in late July. Over time, Google collects some basic information and begins to compile results more specific to you and your past searches.

At the library, I wanted aggregate data over an individual’s search results, so I used a clear browser setting, knowing that as little as an IP address would yield results specific to the demographic, location, season, etc. It’s as close to the CliffsNotes on the diaries of 30,000 students as one can get.

What follows are my search prompts (in bold), Google’s auto-complete suggestions (the bullet points), and the abstracts of stories you’ll find in an upcoming edition of The Best American Short Stories.

How to get…

• • a passport

• • rid of…

  • ◦ gnats

  • ◦ acne

  • ◦ lice

  • ◦ bed bugs

  • ◦ love handles

  • ◦ warts

• • away with murder

Abstract: Unsatisfied in her marriage, Karen learns the justice department rarely pursues murder prosecutions in Honduras. Karen spends months preparing—passport, chemical peels (for her new love life), researching electrical fires—only to find a wet spring has left Honduras ripe with a parasite infestation. Karen returns to the U.S., where everyone suspects her of murder but doesn’t seem to care all that much. Karen is disappointed, beautiful, and itchy.

How can…

• • it be

• • she slap

• • you get herpes

• • you mend a broken heart

• • I keep from singing

• • you get ringworm

• • mirrors be real

Abstract: Broadway-style retread of Romeo and Juliet set at the free clinic. Capulets form right-wing picket lines. Montagues buy genital creams in bulk. Pregnancy and venereal tests are paid for in song, with long-winded digressions on the truth of youth and beauty following clean results. Mercutio contracts syphilis in Act II and—fearing an official diagnosis—abandons his free-swinging lifestyle to join the picketers. Mercutio spends the remainder of the play asking Capulets to examine his canker sores, spreading a rash on both houses.

How can you tell…

• • if […] likes you

  • ◦ a Guy

  • ◦ a Girl

  • ◦ someone

• • if you have a cavity

• • if a mango is ripe

• • if […] is real

  • ◦ gold

  • ◦ pearls

  • ◦ a diamond

  • ◦ reality

• • if you have a concussion

Abstract: Retired Hall of Fame linebacker Clint Randall suffers symptoms of multiple concussions. With what begins as an inability to detect ripe fruit, Clint’s symptoms progress until he no longer sees the value of his opulent lifestyle and acts on long-repressed urges for his former place kicker, Petro. During a routine whitening, Clint suffers a complete break from reality when a dental assistant asks if his championship ring is real.

How to get a…

• • girlfriend

• • boyfriend

• • abs

• • restraining order

• • CDL license

• • cape in Minecraft

Abstract: Fitness fanatic Suzanne enjoys the single life as a long-haul trucker and heavy Tinder user, spending evenings in her double-wide cab finding dates at her next stop and hitting personal bests on her Ab Roller. But when she spurns the advances of a hacker and video game addict in Rotterdam, Suzanne’s identity is stolen and sold on the deep web. Three months later, Suzanne is detained at a weigh station outside Louisville when her license is blacklisted as a “person of interest” due to some illicit online activity in the former Yugoslavia. Suzanne is interrogated for hours...