Alternate Escape Plan

Though Paris is one of the world’s top tourist destinations, France’s northern province of Normandy offers an alternative escape plan rich in history, adventure and anonymity. From Charles de Gaulle, hop a bus to Rouen where you’ll enjoy butter-drenched pastries and coffee thick and dark as eyebrows at an outdoor café in the shadow of the Rouen Cathedral. Watch the light change over this iconic holy place and witness the many versions of Monet’s oft-painted subject in just a couple hours. Spend a few moments in gratitude that your original plans fell through.

Experience European sexuality at its finest as you are equally charmed and repulsed by the frank advances of two unwashed hikers from Brussels. Your adventure continues when you accept their offer to walk you back to your hotel. As you stroll through narrow cobbled streets, they will stop to piss against a wall before gently trying to veer you toward an alley. Calm yourself with a reminder that they are not the man from whom you are running, just horny Europeans. With a nervous giggle and a quick step, you’ll regain the main path as they try to catch up.

Your hotel room, featuring friendly mid-1980s décor in rust and goldenrod, is spacious by European standards with a private bath. A large shuttered window opens to reveal no glass but a lovely view of nearby shingled rooftops. Coming from the American Midwest as you do, you’ll appreciate the lack of mosquitoes, and like the locals, leave the window open. The pillows of your double bed are thin but many, and though you will think housekeeping has forgotten the sheet, you will no doubt enjoy the weightless, cloudlike comfort of sleeping under the duvet. Spread your limbs wide and take comfort in sleeping alone. Should jet lag wake you in the small hours of morning, you will be cooed back to sleep by several pigeons perched on your windowsill. Those who fear birds may choose, at this time, to pull the covers over their heads and try not to imagine the pigeons flying into the room to peck at the bed covers. Sleeping pills are recommended.

No need for an alarm clock. The morning sun will float through your window to shine upon your face, waking you just before the cathedral bells chime, rattling your teeth and sending the pigeons on their way. Cool water will enliven your skin as you invigorate your mind with the puzzle of getting your whole body into the shower stall at one time. If you haven’t had enough of cozy spaces, opt to take the elevator, instead of the stairs, to the lobby where continental breakfast awaits. Lucky travelers may find themselves alone in the breakfast nook with a pile of croissants. Gather the plentiful crumbs of three pastries to savor every last bite as you check the bus schedule for the next leg of your trip.

When the bus is 43 minutes late, you will have a chance to become acquainted with “French time” and the scents of many perfumes and colognes that mingle in the warm air with the scents of the French themselves. You may use the time to contemplate the enormity of your decision, or to wonder if there is any way he could find you here, hating to fly as he does. Should you be seated next to a passenger who is willing to tolerate your non-native French, you may use the opportunity to try out your cover story about coming to live with your cousin to help her with the children and her gift shop since her husband has died. The bus will stop for a herd of cows crossing the road, and you will be amazed at how much the lush countryside reminds you of home. As your seatmate dozes and the scenery whizzes by, examine your reflection in the bus window and the bump on your nose left from when he broke it. Your homesickness will dissipate, though your motion sickness will increase. Don’t forget the Dramamine!

At a...