- Black Horseman Lane: A Reflection
I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach upon getting the news this particular patient, let’s call him Stan, had burned through yet another nurse case manager and it would now be my responsibility to take charge of his care. As the medical director read aloud his patient profile, “Sixty–eight year old frail appearing Caucasian male with a terminal diagnosis of . . .” I was already formulating excuses in my head as to why I would not be able to accept this charge. However, when she finished, I dutifully replied, “Ok, I’ll give it my best shot.” At the time, I was well aware that this assignment would test my resolve and commitment to providing the same high quality compassionate [End Page 117] care to every patient, but what I did not realize was how much I would grow personally and professionally in the process.
Stan was well known in the organization for being “non–compliant” and “difficult.” Through his past actions he earned the label of racist and misogynist, having zero tolerance for people whom he perceived as different from him in any way. He was profoundly disrespectful toward women and was known to abuse his animals. Having been raised in a liberal household in New Jersey, surrounded by civil rights activists, animal activists and feminists, I was genetically programmed to abhor social injustice and raised to serve as an advocate for the disenfranchised and vulnerable. Since childhood, I’ve experienced visceral reactions to acts of injustice or cruelty of any kind. The very idea of someone like Stan was appalling.
I found myself assigned to Stan’s case by default. He fired his first nurse because she was African American and painted her as dishonest and incompetent. He fired his second nurse because he was male and therefore must be gay. He fired his social worker because she was overweight, which certainly meant she was lazy. He fired the chaplain because he was not Catholic and thus unworthy of having any meaningful spiritual discourse. He would not accept the recommendations of our medical director because she was a woman. His family had given up on him a long time ago. His wife left him shortly after his youngest child had gone off to college, and all four of his children were estranged. Stan’s disease was progressing, despite therapy, and he was becoming too weak to care for himself at home without hospice support. His oncologist pleaded with us to give it one more try, even though we were running out of staff. These people that Stan had dismissed so unpleasantly were my colleagues and friends. The first nurse Stan dismissed served as my ever patient and knowledgeable preceptor when I was new to hospice and fumbling my way through unfamiliar protocols. The second nurse Stan rejected was a dedicated colleague and devoted friend, supporting me through several life challenges. I had witnessed our chaplain, judged as unworthy by Stan, tirelessly provide comfort to patients, family members and staff members in the darkest of hours. I knew them all as well–meaning, competent and compassionate team members and Stan’s disrespect for them offended me.
Apparently, Stan was offended as well. His oncologist revealed to us that Stan was angered by his referral to hospice. He felt abandoned. I was Stan’s last hope; however, he didn’t see it that way. Neither Stan nor I was enthusiastic about our impending partnership.
Stan was an engineer by trade, and apparently very successful in business. He lived on a sprawling plantation located at the end of his private road, which he named Black Horseman Lane. As I turned down the drive, aware of his reputation as a bigot, I contemplated how Stan might have arrived at this name. With the assistance of my smartphone, I was able to ascertain that there was, indeed, a Black Horseman of the Apocalypse, which was associated with famine. Delving further, into Wikipedia, my interpretation was that the Black Horseman’s famine decimated the grain crop, sparing the olive groves and grapevines, driving up the price of grain but leaving oil and wine...