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  • Ham and the Ram
  • Yvette Nolan

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[End Page 61]

(ham has left Isaac on the top of the mountain. Overcome with fear and grief, he is taking a time out.)

ham:

(Calling as he enters.) I’ll be right back, Isaac!

(ham throws himself against a rock, sits, head in hands. Near him, a bush. From the bush, a voice.)

ram:

um, hiya

ham:

god?

ram:

if you like—

ham:

I know I should—I know it seems like I am—procrastinating—can we talk about this?

ram:

we can talk, it would just be a lot more comfortable for me if you would—help to extricate me—

ham:

extricate you?

ram:

yes, I seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a thicket here

ham:

I don’t understand

(The bushes shake. ham covers his eyes.)

ham:

noooooo

ram:

what?

ham:

I don’t want to be blinded

ram:

me neither, and frankly, there’s a twig poking me in my right eye

ham:

a—twig?

(ham lowers his hands, peeks at the bush, which shakes a little.)

ram:

yes. And it’s not a metaphor.

ham:

a metaphor?

ram:

you know, mote, beam—(Sighs.) never mind, lend a brother a hand here?

(The bush shakes a little. ham approaches it, pushes it open a bit, sees ram. Startled, he lets go the bush and falls back.) [End Page 62]

ram:

owww! Son of a—! God damn it!

ham:

you’re not god

ram:

the divine in me salutes the divine in you

(The bush shakes.)

ham:

what?

ram:

nothing

ham:

you’re a sheep

ram:

please. I am ram.

ham:

Ram. A male sheep. Or is that your name?.

ram:

both, I suppose. Ram, I am. Both in type and by name.

ham:

ah.

ram:

so.

ham:

So?

ram:

set me free?

ham:

oh, sorry.

(ham extricates ram from the bush.)

ram:

oh thank you so much. That is so much better. I was getting a crick in my neck.

ham:

no problem

(ham sits glumly.)

ram:

alrighty, then.

ham:

please. Go away. I need to think.

ram:

I thought you wanted to talk.

ham:

that’s when I thought you were—

(ham looks around nervously.)

ram:

what are you afraid of?

ham:

oh, I am going to pay for this

ram:

for freeing me? oh no, I am going to sing your praises high and low

ham:

no, no, not for that, for—

ram:

what’s your name?

ham:

what?

ram:

your name. For singing praises

ham:

Ham. Abraham. But people call me Ham.

ram:

Ham. (Warming his voice.) mee mee mee mee mee mee mee—whew, I really do need water … (Sings out.) well, gather round, kids and ewes, let me tell you a story about Ham!!

ham:

sshhhhh shhhh please don’t! Please, you’re going to draw attention to us, to me, and then He will see—

ram:

see what?

ham:

that I have disobeyed

ram:

disobeyed? Disobeyed whom?

ham:

Him

ram:

him who?

ham:

HIM, that’s who.

(ram looks around.)

ram:

nobody here but us chickens

ham:

you’re a ram

ram:

it’s an expression

ham:

and I am a man

ram:

but kinda chicken

(ham nods.)

ram:

well, Ham, thanks for the hand, I really really appreciate it, I would’ve died of thirst if you had not freed me, and it’s a terrible way to go, I have to tell you, you have visions, it drives you mad ... so if there is nothing I can do for you, I’m gonna pop over the hill, there’s a sweet little spring there, squirts right out of the mountain, like some kind of miracle, ain’t nature divine?

ham:

um

ram:

yes?

ham:

perhaps there is something you could do for me

ram:

name it

ham:

would you consider—uh—giving yourself up

ram:

giving—myself—up?

ham:

uh, yeah

ram:

I don’t get it. Like (Puts his hooves in the air.)—? [End Page 63]

ham:

um—sorta—

ram:

alright, I give up. What’s the catch? Get it? I give up. I did it. I give up.

(Laughs at...

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Additional Information

ISSN
1920-941X
Print ISSN
0315-0836
Pages
pp. 61-65
Launched on MUSE
2013-04-17
Open Access
No
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