- Ham and the Ram
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[End Page 61]
(ham has left Isaac on the top of the mountain. Overcome with fear and grief, he is taking a time out.)
(Calling as he enters.) I’ll be right back, Isaac!
(ham throws himself against a rock, sits, head in hands. Near him, a bush. From the bush, a voice.)
if you like—
I know I should—I know it seems like I am—procrastinating—can we talk about this?
we can talk, it would just be a lot more comfortable for me if you would—help to extricate me—
yes, I seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a thicket here
I don’t understand
(The bushes shake. ham covers his eyes.)
I don’t want to be blinded
me neither, and frankly, there’s a twig poking me in my right eye
(ham lowers his hands, peeks at the bush, which shakes a little.)
yes. And it’s not a metaphor.
you know, mote, beam—(Sighs.) never mind, lend a brother a hand here?
(The bush shakes a little. ham approaches it, pushes it open a bit, sees ram. Startled, he lets go the bush and falls back.) [End Page 62]
owww! Son of a—! God damn it!
you’re not god
the divine in me salutes the divine in you
(The bush shakes.)
you’re a sheep
please. I am ram.
Ram. A male sheep. Or is that your name?.
both, I suppose. Ram, I am. Both in type and by name.
set me free?
(ham extricates ram from the bush.)
oh thank you so much. That is so much better. I was getting a crick in my neck.
(ham sits glumly.)
please. Go away. I need to think.
I thought you wanted to talk.
that’s when I thought you were—
(ham looks around nervously.)
what are you afraid of?
oh, I am going to pay for this
for freeing me? oh no, I am going to sing your praises high and low
no, no, not for that, for—
what’s your name?
your name. For singing praises
Ham. Abraham. But people call me Ham.
Ham. (Warming his voice.) mee mee mee mee mee mee mee—whew, I really do need water … (Sings out.) well, gather round, kids and ewes, let me tell you a story about Ham!!
sshhhhh shhhh please don’t! Please, you’re going to draw attention to us, to me, and then He will see—
that I have disobeyed
disobeyed? Disobeyed whom?
HIM, that’s who.
(ram looks around.)
nobody here but us chickens
you’re a ram
it’s an expression
and I am a man
but kinda chicken
well, Ham, thanks for the hand, I really really appreciate it, I would’ve died of thirst if you had not freed me, and it’s a terrible way to go, I have to tell you, you have visions, it drives you mad ... so if there is nothing I can do for you, I’m gonna pop over the hill, there’s a sweet little spring there, squirts right out of the mountain, like some kind of miracle, ain’t nature divine?
perhaps there is something you could do for me
would you consider—uh—giving yourself up
I don’t get it. Like (Puts his hooves in the air.)—? [End Page 63]
alright, I give up. What’s the catch? Get it? I give up. I did it. I give up.