Letter to Niki de Saint Phalle, 1974

SHEPHERDS COTTAGE PYTCHLEY KETTERING NORTHANTS

13 April 74

My dear Niki,

It was such a nice phone call earlier today. That means two telephone calls ONE AFTER THE OTHER that were favourable, I think that means that at last we are over the hump. (Don't say that in Notre Dame or they'll think you a sex pervert.) But two, one after the other, without mishap. Yes. We are friends at last. Which is why I never wrote you between phone calls before ... I was always waiting for you to call up and scream at me just after I'd sent you a nice letter ... anyway ... seriously ...

The truth is— well. Who am I to dare to say the word? But "my truth" anyway, is ... let me say it in print, once and for all, so that I hope we have no more barriers, is quite different from what I have probably led you to believe this last six months or so. I admit I have been rather coldly playing the game that we were at enmity, etc. I don't know why. I think, frankly, I wanted a bit of time quite relaxed and separate on my own (you are a powerful consciousness) and so it was the only cool way of getting that time, to re-adjust. So I played at being angry and resentful. I am not at all. I was for a month or so but that was inevitable. So were you.

But ironically enough I had very much more to deal with psychologically after we split— because split we did. I had much more to lose. Admit it? I had given much more of my "structure" to you, making a film (my medium), allowing myself the very dangerous risk of having to become financially dependent on you (because we were producing the film together etc.), allowing you to use your very fine energy to get me off my ass (I am not lazy just tragically neurotic and quite unable to energise myself to do any of the things I really want to do). It was a risk I took ... I put more eggs into the basket than you; suddenly they were crushed. I had to get out or go under and it was very hard; I gave up Daddy, as well as you ... didn't I, especially with the first signs of Germany and my castration there— also I gave up all the films we might have made together.

I had a hard time getting over the loss of you— which puts a high price, after all, on being with you. I think I was right. I don't know. It is now irrelevant. But I did it and it was irreversible. I'm not sure why. I should have been prepared to pay the "price" in order to gain all those advantages you offered me, gave me and we shared. I gave up ... because it was too hard. Not because I am proud or lazy or a coward. But because I needed time to assimilate everything. When you met me you saw a particular kind of person; that is the one I am most of the time. Not at all the kind of "dynamic" you usually take on. Or perhaps ... you do. What you liked about it as much as anything, was that I did not seem to pose too much of a threat, I was ripe for a takeover. And I was very happy the way it all went. I was always doubtful deep down, but I accepted our allegiance as being very good for both of us. You were the driving energy, but I was happy to be driven. I did not see it as being "taken over" etc. as long as we were making the film together. It was later when we had no project, that I felt ... I was using you. Which is why I became guilty about the money situation, could not cope, so got out. Even if it meant sacrificing myself artistically and financially with "DADDY." My early meetings with Schamoni and Dauman (rightly) made...