How I Got Killed

Matthew Sharpe How I Got Killed I was puttering around the apartment this afternoon when two men burst in and killed me. Before they killed me, I thought, "I shouldn't have left the door open." "Sit on the couch," one of the men told me. Though I had not yet sat down on the couch, the same man, who was wearing a green wool cap, plugged me full ofbullets. I fell to the beige cashmere rug. He didn't really "plug" me: blood was pouring out all over the rug. I told him I thought it stank that he had shot and killed me. He said, "Do you have any tea?" "Ha ha very funny," I said. "I have camomile and peppermint and orange pekoe." "You don't have Earl Grey?" he said. "No." "That's the basic tea you should have." "Tell you what, you run down to the store and get some, and I'll make it for you." A little part of me liked having guests in the apartment . They had already killed me. What else could they do, rob me? The man with the green cap went to the store. The other man, who had blue eyes, robbed me, then sat down on an upholstered chair. I put some water on the stove, which is in a corner of the apartment. I've built a counter which sets off the corner for a "separate kitchen" effect. I sat on the couch facing the blue-eyed man. "I hate that you've killed and robbed me," I said. The man who killed me came back with Earl Greyjust as the tea kettle had begun to shriek. I got up from the couch, and he sat in my place. I served him his tea, but I did it roughly to show my annoyance . He said, "Don't be so sore." "Why'd you kill me?" "We were hired to," he said. "You geta lotofmoney for this?" I asked,pointingvaguely down at my torso. "These days it pays pretty well." "Then why did you also rob me?" "You can never have too much money or too many nice things." I made myself a cup of camomile and didn't feel like drinking it, so I tossed it down the drain including the tea bag. "You're wasting a tea bag," the big talker said. I said, "You're really beginning to annoy me." He took out his gun and killed me again. "Oh, I guess you just can't keep them down 56 the minnesota review on the farm once you've killed them," I said angrily. "What do you want from me?" the one in the green cap said. "Some of my stuff back." "Like what?" "Toaster." "The toaster just clutters up your counter anyway." "Oh, like I care about your opinion." He looked at the blue-eyed man. The blue-eyed man put the toaster back on the counter. "Now get lost, both of you," I said. "Thanks for the tea," Mr. Chatty Cathy murderer said. "Sure, great," I said. "Nice being killed twice by you," I said. First thing I did after they left was lock the door. Then I sat down on the couch, where I am still sitting. My wife and three kids will be walking through that door any minute now. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to them. ...