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The Regarded SeLf IKE unE Above and opposite: Ike Ude, Glamour and GQdetail of Cover Girl (1994-). Super gloss print-36" x 48". {oumsv of the artist. The Picture of Dorian Gray, who allegedly suffered for his "sins:: ("narcissistic disturbance"), whereby he sold his soul to the devil and was rewarded with eternal youth while his portrait incurred all the ravages of old age decomposition. The desire for eternal youth is hardly strange or rare among our species. What with the convenient cosmetic procedures our age now enjoys, even 70-year-olds are increasingly looking ten to twenty years younger without the burden of Dorian's fate. Nonetheless, there is also the need for interior (spiritual) self-love, which is not mutually exclusive from exterior (narcissism) self-love. To love oneself entirely immunizes the self-lover from the accident of being killed by anyone else's love. Therefore, regarding the self is, in a word, IMMUNITY and not a narcissistic disturbance ". Can the popular view of narcissism then be answered by placing the burden of such "disturbance" on the shoulders of a minority with a heightened sense of the self? It seems to me impossible that narcissism, as an agent of disturbance, can exist without societal projection of its fear of narcissism. Is this a case of Caliban and the mirror? Perhaps it may be that for most people locating themselves in that "Mirror of my familiar" issues painful feelings of insecurity, pathology, ambivalence as it were a direct reminder of a grotesque existence . Thus established, narcissism in and out occupies a performative space in the narcissistic psyche. So it is worth bearing in mind that this psychic space is not a vain space, but rather a chi-oma or God's-beauty-in-me space. A sort of sublime awareness of the self inhabited by the self and nourished with appropriate fastidiousness. The mirror for the redeemed narcissist, is not a mere site at which he can perform such base functions as decoration or adornment. Rather the mirror serves as a location that allows "The Regarded Self" a sacred and intense solitude by which he can renegotiate and disclose his superior selfat all cost. Hence, the "narcissist" is always a hero in essence, exactly because he typifies the opposite of a heroic appearance. To locate and resolve the weakness of the ego is a mark of strength and shows a profound regard for the self. The best hunt or bargain for love is not outside but within and around the self. The mirror is only one side of the coin. Ike Ude is an artist, esthete, and writer who lives in New York. He is the Publisher/Editor of aRUDE magazine and a Consulting Editor of Nka. One can form ideas about oneself, but these ideas may be in direct opposition to other people's ideas of the person in question. Concurrently, an idea such as "self-love" is read as antisocial, albeit each of us is committed, in one way or another in the love of the self. Thus, courage required in negotiating "selflove " (narcissism?), together with the accepted act of appearing not to care for oneself (modesty) engenders an ambivalence towards what I shall call "The Regarded Self." Well then, who owns the self? The public or the seilllf it is true that the self is a public property when in a public space, isn't it worthy of our consideration to think of the self as foremost, private. Whereas the self can be devoured by public scrutiny, it can be saved by private self-objectification. What choices are there in place of self-love? To love another more than we love ourselves? Yes, this certainly is noble. Yet, if we were to take into account the amount of time and care each of us devote to our well being, (from getting adequate sleep, food, sex, hygiene, shelter, self-esteem, etc), it is, needless to say, that each ofus, as long as we live, regard ourselves foremost than any other being. Even the so called "self destructive/suicidal" persons love themselves so. In this instance to kill oneself, (arguably an inverted act ofself-preservation ), becomes a luxury...

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