A Trilogy

A TRILOGY ALVAN G. FORAKER, M.D.* I. The Conclave The special subcommittee (Executive Committee, Medical Faculty, University ofVapid City) to recommend a new professor ofomphalology held its fourth called meeting at 4:00 p.m. on Thursday, May 11. Professor T. Smith (Medicine) presided. Also present were Professors D. Jones (Embryology) and H. Brown (Surgery). A selected verbatim report follows : Smith: This is the fourth meeting ofthe special subcommittee and we must arrive at some conclusion. Briefly, we have considered two local candidates and rejected them. We have had six candidates from other universities here for extended visit and interview. Brown: Some of those fellows were not serious candidates. They were just on fishing expeditions, trying to feather their nests at home. Smith: We have now narrowed the field to three serious candidates. At this meeting we must select one for recommendation to the Executive Committee. Brown: Well, let's get on with it. Let me say first that I think it's a dam' shame we can'tjust appoint Bill Acolyte. He is a good clinical omphalologist . He spent twenty years helping oldJohn Odinjove build up the department. Odinjove recommended Acolyte as his successor. He deserves thejob. Jones: Now, let's not get into that again. Acolyte hasn't done a bit of research or produced a paper in the last fifteen years. He'sjust a wheelhorse . Hehasn't gotthe intellect or thepersonalityto bechiefofomphalology . That's the important thing. The fact that he has breathed and existed on our payroll for twenty years doesn'tjustify our giving him * 800 Miami Road,Jacksonville ?, Florida. 357 the crown. My candidate is Phil Esoteric, ifwe are going to bring up local people again. Brown: He is no clinical omphalologist. He'sjust an ion-and-membrane back-room researcher, with a fat, dull bibliography. Smith: Gentlemen, please! Not that quarrel again. The Executive Committee has recognized the imperfections of both Acolyte and Esoteric, and agrees that an impasse exists. That's why we are going to appoint an outsider. Now let's make a selection from the following: E. X. Cise, North Atlantic University, G. Icarus, Cheyne-Ganke Institute, and J. Eager, Elysia University. Brown: OK! Let's get down to business. I favor Cise. He's a good wellrounded clinical omphalologist, which is important to me. He is an excellent surgical technician, has goodjudgment. He is a good teacher ofresidents and internes. He has a good bibliography. Jones: But no real research. Brown: That's right, but goodpapers on surgical techniqueand reviews of new methods oftreatment are important too. I happen to know he is in line to become president of the American Federation for Clinical Omphalology in about two years. Jones: Is that the group known as the "youngjerks"? Brown: Yes, but they are real comers. I move we recommend the appointment ofDr. E. X. Cise. Smith: DoctorJones, will you agree? Jones: Absolutely not. We need to build up the research potential ofVapid City. We cannot have a noninvestigator in omphalology. Now, from among our three candidates, I favor Icarus. He has been doing some outstanding research on interferoelectromicroscopy in the pathogenesis ofomphalitis in axolotls. He recently won the Zilch prize. Ifyou think society activity is important, Icarus is secretary of the Society for Investigative Omphalology. Brown: He doesn't even have his Board certificate in omphalology yet. Jones: Now let's not be slaves ofthe Board system. Some ofthe best men in academic medicine don't bother themselves with that rigid, iron-clad setup. Brown: How are you going to keep your approved omphalological residency at University hospital ifthe chiefisn't Board certified? Smith: Gentlemen, I agree in general with the statements you have made 358 Alvan G. Foraker · A Trilogy Perspectives in Biology and Medicine · Spring 1963 about the advantages and disadvantages of both Cise and Icarus. For these reasons, I suggest we now consider Eager. Brown: I guess he's a pretty bright young fellow. His heart just doesn't seem to be in clinical omphalology. He does seem to be a good man. I hear he is a good everyday teacher ofresidents at Elysia. Smith: Faint praise, indeed. Dr. Jones, your turn. Jones: Some ofhis research...