ALL'S WELL THAT BEGINS WELL, or, The Shaming of the True

ALL'S WELL THAT BEGINS WELL, or, The Shaming ofthe True JOHN A. OWEN, JR., M.D.* dramatis personae Lord HaddonSir Hector Hackney Count ChalfonteDr. Kornblau The Marquess of Brighton CaptainJohn Smith Varlets, Knaves, Etc. (Scene: The Carolina Room ofthe Mermaid Tavern in London, late 1606. A meeting ofthe Royal College ofInstitutional Associates is in session, chaired by LordHaddon with his usual vigor. Memberspresent include Count Chalfonte, the Marquess ofBrighton, Sir Hector Hackney, and Dr. Kornblau, making a bare quorum; the otherfour members are away on lecture visits, other committee meetings, orprojectsite visits. The committee hasjustconcludeda convivial lunch.) Haddon: Wassail! (Drinks.) All: Wassail, ho! (Drink.) Kornblau (aside): One more wassail and it's bye-bye to this afternoon's patients. (Drinks.) Chalfonte: What's on the agenda today, my lord? Haddon: An application from Captain John Smith, of the London Company. His Majesty KingJames the First has asked us, as you know, to conduct prior review ofCaptain Smith'sjudgment in this proposal, ere it be funded from the Royal Exchequer, by the banks ofShannon. Hackney: Great idea! High time we clamped down on all this human experimentation. The House of Stuart never looked better. (Reachesfor bottle.) Kornblau (singsdrunkenly): "When a Stuart's on the throne, Let every cur guard well his bone. With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonny-no ..." * University ofVirginia, School ofMedicine, Charlottesville, Virginia. 649 Haddon: Please, Clarence. How would that look in the minutes? (To Varlet) Fetch Captain Smith. (Exit Varlet, to re-enter promptly with CaptainJohn Smith.) All: How, now, good Captain. Smith: My lords, mine ear is open and my heart prepared. Kornblau: A wassail for the Captain there. Hackney: Make it a double. See, Captain, I'll have one with you. Kornblau: 'Sright. You can't sail on one maintopgallantsail. Smith: Prithee nay, my lords, I am in haste. There is a tide in the affairs of men . . . Haddon: Yes, yes. "Ifwhen 'tis 'twere done well then well done it is ..." How neatly Bacon puts that sort ofthing. Anyway (distributesparchments to committee members)—good Friar Xerox has made for each a copy ofCaptain Smith's proposal, which, as you see, describes the methods and materials ofhis expedition to the New World, there to found a permanent English settlement to the glory ofHis Majesty, KingJames I! Kornblau (sings): "When a Stuart's on the throne . . ." (Drinks.) Smith: Hopefully we will come unto those yellow sands by next Spring. It will be called Virginia, after the late Queen. Let him who loves to live i' the sun come hither ! Haddon: Yes, yes, of course. Certainly a bold and imaginative approach . But tell us, what expert consultation or advice have you obtained? Smith: Marry, none, 'Tis not an area replete with experts. Chalfonte: Didn't Sir Walter Raleigh report a similar project some twenty years ago? Smith: True—an abortive landing on Roanoke Island in 1585, and two years later a larger settlement, apparently thriving when Governor White left it. But when he returned at last in 1591, he found his brave new world to have no people in 't—only the cryptic sign CROATAN. Chalfonte: Well, this may be a bold approach, but it's certainly not very imaginative. Brighton: Right. It's been tried before. Chalfonte: Unsuccessfully—and with a high mortality. Smith: Once more into the breach, dear friends! Surely after twenty years our improved techniques augur better success. Haddon: Success, perhaps—but at a very considerable risk. What about 650 John A. Owen,Jr. · All's Well That Begins Well Perspectives in Biology and Medicine · Summer 1968 the rights and privileges ofyour settlers? Are they free to withdraw at any time? Smith: At any time, until we weigh anchor. Thereafter, whence could they withdraw? Full fathom five hundred lies the nearest land—straight down. Brighton: Now, Captain, tell us a little about your so-called informed consent? Just what did you inform them? Did you tell them about the "Falling-OffPlace"? Kornblau (sliding under the table): I've found mine already. Smith: The "Falling-OffPlace"? It is a tale told by an idiot! Haddon: Idiotic to us, of course. We've read Columbus, Magellan, Drake, all the authorities—and we...