It Has Been Said

IT HAS BEEN SAID and collected by I. N. DUBIN* [Note.—We invite collectors of humor to "volunteer" their talents and share in the fun of "It Has Been Said."] "Whatever has been well said by anyone is my property."—Seneca "How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing that no one had ever said it before."—Mark Twain Problems in International Communications An American woman touring France, on first seeing a bidet, asked her French hostess, "Is this something to wash the baby in?" "No, no, madame," her hostess replied, "it is not to wash the baby in, it is to wash the baby out!" UNFORTUNATE COINCIDENCE By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing, And he vows his passion is Infinite, undying— Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying. Dorothy Parker BOUGHT LOCKS The golden hair that Gulla wears Is hers; who would have thought it? She swears 'tis hers, and true she swears, For I know where she bought it. Martial *Medical College of Pennsylvania and Hospital, 3300 Henry Avenue, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 19129. Perspectives in Biology and Medicine ¦ Winter 1977 \ 223 "When I meet a man whose name I cannot remember," Disraeli said, "I give myself two minutes; then, if it is a hopeless case, I always say, 'And how is the old complaint?' " "The quickest way to take starch out ov a man who iz allwuss blameing himself is to agree with him," said Josh Billings. "This ain't what he iz looking for." "It can be proved by the Law, the Prophets and the Writings that a man is led along the road he wishes to follow."—Talmud "The perfection of conversation is, not to play a regular sonata, but, like the Aeolian harp, to await the inspiration of the passing breeze."—Burke "If people will stop at the first tense of the verb 'aimer' they must not be surprised if one finishes the conjugation with somebody else."—Byron Chauvinism A group of us were having lunch in the hospital dining room, including Dr. Phyllis M. who carried her Italian heritage proudly and seriously. Some of the WASP types delighted in teasing her withjokes that poked fun at Italians. This day, after listening to a few, she finally erupted, "Now, listen, you barbarians, when your ancestors were living in caves, mine were painting the Sistine Chapel!" At this point, my own Jewish chauvinism came to the fore and I asked her, "So tell me, Phyllis, whom were they painting?" "He has not a single redeeming defect."—Disraeli, speaking of Gladstone FEDERAL OFFICES INVADED BY MICE (Headline, New York Times, June 4, 1976) 0 tempora! we once had Rats Ensconced with brother bureaucrats; Bold, slashing, gnawing, fearless beasts Who of our wealth made royal feasts. Thus, long adapted, Brother Rat Made Washington his habitat. 224 /. N. Dubin ¦ It Has Been Said Where Rats did roar now Mice do frivol; That Rats to puny Mice could shrivel! O tempora! how sad to think That mighty Rats to Mice can shrink! I. N. D. 'Life is too short to be little."—Disraeli Examination in Anatomy At an examination of the College of Surgeons, a candidate was asked by Abernethy: "What would you do if a man was blown up by powder?" "Wait till he came down," was the cool reply. "True," replied Abernethy. "And suppose I should kick you for such an impertinent reply, what muscles would I put in motion?" "The flexors and extensors of my arm, for I should knock you down immediately ." The candidate received his diploma, well satisfied. For this was the only time the brusque, insulting, witty Abernethy had been silenced. Organ and Tissue Banks Plagued almost daily by requests to donate this or that decrepit piece of me to some bank, I fantasized the following scene: Nurse: "Dr. D., would you care to donate to the Semen Bank?" Dr. D.: "No thanks, I already gave at the orifice." "Don't tell me," said William Pitt, "of a man's being able to talk sense; every one can talk sense. Can he talk nonsense?" Are Printers' Errors Really Unintentional? The following headline...