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  • Judging a Cover by His Books:An Annotated Bibliography of the Intellectual Macdaddy
  • Nelly A. Rosario (bio)
Keywords

dating deal-breakers, dick-lit, hack intellectuals, oranges, biblio- and other -philes, pears, post-modernist tropes, Che-Guevara Complex, nutty professors, apples, STDs, academic spoofs

This annotated bibliography is a comprehensive overview of the titles most prominently displayed on the bookshelves-real or virtual-of the cosmopolitan educated heterosexual male of color whose intention is to seduce the bodies and minds of cosmopolitan educated heterosexual females of color. Jenna Lang of The Guardian effectively sums up his quandary: "How do you pick the perfect book to confer the desired air of intelligence and approachability, not to mention the combined sex appeal of Brad and Angelina?" Brangelina notwithstanding, Lang's question permeates all aspects of said male's lifestyle choices, from iPod playlist to faux-hawk coiffure.

Admittedly, the urbane heterosexual educated female of color should not judge a potential mate by the covers of his books. She can, however, endeavor to read between the lines and, thus, preempt future disappointments and shattered Ikea dishes.

The selection of titles is not based on the bookshelf of any individual. Rather, it draws from informal surveys of cosmopolitan heterosexual educated males and females of color alike about the predatory bibliophilic habits of the former. By no means is this compilation exhaustive, as it is also subject to the prejudices and proclivities of the bibliographer herself. Nor do I intend for this work to be taken seriously-least of all as blueprint for the aspiring Casanova or as syllabus for the lazy professor of literature or as ingenious marketing tool for any author and/or publisher. The reader is invited to adjust titles according to the ephemeral demands of popular and/or academic American culture. Furthermore, compilations of counter-bibliographies by irate males and/or cited authors are humbly encouraged.

For the sake of conciseness, the cosmopolitan educated heterosexual male of color will be heretofore referred to as "Said Male." As this Euro- and heterosexist bibliography attempts to expose the psyche of a grossly proto- and stereotypical character, I utilize APA format, per American Psychological Association standards. In the interest of narrative flow, items are not alphabetized, neither by author nor by title. The resource material is divided into the following nine major subareas, though many of the titles can be easily cross-referenced:

  1. I. My Penis is Colossal

  2. II. And Yet . . . I am Sensitive Man, Masculine Enough to be in Touch with my Anima and/or Child Self

  3. III. こんにちは, Yo suis Mr. Internationale, Mio Amore

  4. IV. I May Be the Second Coming of Christ

  5. V. Count on My Visionary Virility When This Race Man Starts The Revolution [End Page 383]

  6. VI. I am a Horse in the Sack

  7. VII. My Inner Geek=moneycash2

  8. VIII. I'm With It, Got My Digit on the Pulse

  9. IX. I am Obama Beta

I. My Penis is Colossal

Tolstoy, L., Pevear, R., & Volokhonsky, L. (2008). War and peace. London: Vintage.

Weighing in at over 1400 pages in most paperbacks, this tome is sure to elicit swooning in the cosmopolitan heterosexual educated female of color. However, the novel may signal a subconscious Napoleonic complex of Said Male for its broad focus on the namesake's 1812 invasion of Russia. See III.

II. And Yet . . . I am Sensitive Man, Masculine Enough to be in Touch with my Anima and/or Child Self

Rombauer, I., Becker, M., & Becker, E. (2006). Joy of cooking. New York: Scribner.

That this classic cookbook (published over 75 years ago) is not displayed in the kitchen nor the least bit stained should raise a red flag.

Morrison, T. (2006). Beloved. New York: Alfred A. Knopf.

Everyman's Library edition, for every man who ventures to read highly lyric prose juxtaposed with barbaric scenes. Half-read by Said Male at a Miami beach during Freaknic, this freshman-required novel chronicles the post-Civil-War life of a woman haunted by the memory of slavery.

Rowling, J. (2009). Harry Potter paperback boxed set. New York: Arthur A. Levine Books.

The wizardry of the Harry Potter series, which Stephen King hails as "one for the ages...

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