Clearing the Mist

We stand on a mountain pass in the midst of whirling snow and blinding mist, through which we get glimpses now and then of paths which may be deceptive. If we stand still we shall be frozen to death. If we take the wrong road we shall be dashed to pieces. We do not certainly know whether there is any right one. What must we do? "Be strong and of a good courage." Act for the best, hope for the best, and take what comes. . . . If death ends all, we cannot meet death better.

- Fitz James Stephen (1874)

When I graduated from college I felt exactly as Fitz James Stephen describes, peering into a myriad of possibilities shrouded in mist. As a psychology major my initial inclination was to pursue a career in academic research and to explore the world of subjective relations among people, but I sought the unconventional road when an opportunity arose to spend time in the Amazon rain forest studying the healing practices of local shamans. The experience was profound and left me searching for a way to bring the spiritual world of the shamans into harmony with our Western practice of medicine. After much consideration I decided to enroll in law school. At first glance this path may seem completely divergent from the one that I had been on. After all, how far from the shaman's ideal of healing through the spiritual connection with your fellow human being is the study of rigid, rational, legalistic conventions? But I saw the study of law as a means to facilitate real change in our legal and medical community. Moreover, the University of Houston offered a unique joint program, between its Law Center and the Institute for the Medical Humanities at the University of Texas Medical Branch, where I could combine my J.D. with a Ph.D. I hoped that by merging these two degrees I could achieve a unique perspective on the legal and ethical issues involved in western medicine.

Law school challenged my resolve, not only because of the demanding course work, but because it forced me into a world that seemed diametrically opposed to the one from which I had come. At times I was sure I'd taken the wrong road, but I persevered, studied, and memorized the law. I learned to think analytically and to apply my knowledge of the law to hypothetical situations, but for the most part I was discouraged from thinking critically. I was rarely asked whether a particular law was good or bad or if an individual judge had decided rightly or wrongly. In an effort to succeed in law school I shelved my curiosity, laid my imagination to rest, and distanced myself emotionally from any one side of an issue. The result was academic success but with a growing sense of intellectual discontent.

When I finished law school, I began my graduate course work at the Institute for the Medical Humanities, and my life quickly changed. I was no longer expected to take things for granted. In fact, I was expected to engage the readings and to critically analyze the texts. Whereas law school was structured and competitive, graduate school was flexible and nurturing of academic achievements. While law school taught me an analytic rigor, graduate school has enabled me to develop my interests and to deepen my understanding of issues in health law, health policy, and medical ethics. As a result of being exposed to the many facets of the healing arts, I have found myself more and more engaged by the relationships between doctor and patient and by the ethical dilemmas posed by the growing commercialization of healthcare. It is only now that I can look back on law school and realize how integral it has been to the path that I have chosen. Law school not only provided me with a valuable knowledge base, it gave me analytical skills that have enriched my experience as a graduate student...