TDR: The Drama Review 45.4 (2001) 152-153
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Up Your Ass
an excerpt from the play by Valerie Solanas
[The Simplest Surrealist Act]
BONGI: That's a slick little maxim--while the hand's rocking the cradle it won't be rocking the boat.
GINGER: There're plenty of male hands around to do whatever boat-rocking's necessary.
BONGI: I've met quite a few hairy old male hands in my day, and it's not the boat they're grabbling for.
CAT: Why should it be? It's a man's world.
BONGI: Only by default.
GINGER: Default or not, I think it's marvelous.
CAT: Sure, in a man's world you broads have the ultimate weapon--sex.
BONGI: Then how come we've never had a sexy president?
CAT: (to BONGI) Why don't you run for president?
BONGI: Nah, I like to think big.
GINGER: Personally, I'd hate to see a woman president.
CAT: Why? Women're just as good as men in every way.
BONGI: I've had just about enough of your insults.
GINGER: Well, whether they are or not, we'll never have one. Never! We never have... ("So there" voice) ...and we never will. Will we, Russell?
RUSSELL: It's unthinkable.
BONGI: Maybe being president wouldn't be such a bad idea: I could eliminate the money system, and let the machines do all the work.
CAT: Thanks for the warning. I'll be sure to not vote for you. Sure, I'd like to not need bread--I don't want to have to combine marriage and a career--but the broads gotta need it. You know the S in the dollar sign? That stands for sex.
GINGER: Actually, there's something to be said for Bongi's system; men need leisure time.
CAT: What'll I do with all that leisure? Lay around with a big hard-on? [End Page 152]
GINGER: It's a sin to tie men down to jobs. Men're the hunters...
CAT: Yeah, I been doing a lot of that.
GINGER: ...the adventurers; they should be free to go off and invent and explore, soar off into the unknown.
RUSSELL: And leave the kids with the women? Corrode my son with femininity? Never! When mothers aren't competing they're mothering; you gotta keep a close watch on them. I want my son to be the best of all possible men.
BONGI: You mean a half-assed woman.
RUSSELL: When he grows up I want to be able to point to him and say: "There goes my son--the man." I want to live in a masculine culture.
BONGI: That's a contradiction in terms.
RUSSELL: I want a strong, virile environment.
BONGI: Why don't you hang out at the YMCA gym?
CAT: The battle of the sexes--it's been raging on for centuries.
BONGI: I know how we could eliminate it.
BONGI: Have you ever heard of sex determination?
RUSSELL: Never! Never! That's not natural. There'll always be two sexes.
BONGI: Men're totally unreasonable; they can't see why they should be eliminated.
RUSSELL: No! The two-sex system must be right; it's survived hundreds of thousands of years.
BONGI: So has disease.
RUSSELL: You can't just determine us away. We won't allow it; we'll unite; we'll fight.
BONGI: You may as well resign yourself: eventually the expression "female of the species" 'll be a redundancy.
RUSSELL: You don't know what a female is, you desexed monstrosity.
BONGI: Quite the contrary, I'm so female I'm subversive.