American Detour in Paris: A Step-by-Step Guide to Re-creating a Nightmare

There are two Alle de Vergers in France. One is near Charles de Gaulle Airport. The other is in Paris near Père-Lachaise. If you have a next-day flight and need a room for the night, there's a Holiday Inn Express in Roissyville on Alle de Verger. It has no street address, yet somehow mail is delivered.

Do not drive to the Alle de Verger in Paris. There is no hotel there, only crowded tenement after crowded tenement with underwear hanging off small balconies. No planes circle above you. This should have tipped you off.

If you did not count on there being two alleys sharing the same name within a 15-mile radius and arrive at the Alle de Verger in Paris, you must reroute to the one in Roissyville, near the airport.

Double-park beside a dumpster. Unfold your map across the dash and search for Charles de Gaulle Airport. After 25 minutes, realize you've been looking at map of Brussels. Turn the map over. Find the airport and the small line that reads: Alle de Verger.

When driving through Paris, ignore white road lines. They are meaningless. You may be on a one-way street, but you should always expect oncoming traffic. In some places, three lanes merge into one. There will be no warning of this. Stay right in a roundabout or it will become your own personal Golgotha. If the sun is setting, squint. Do not lower your visor or you will roar through stoplights and unnerve bread-toting pedestrians. Drive back to N-6, frantically, as though you were a tourist unable to convert kilometers to miles.

Rumble over the cobblestone roads through Roissy into Roissyville. Alle de Verger is a vision of bright hotel sign after bright hotel sign, perfect for Americans longing for AC. At the Holiday Inn Express, wait 45 minutes. Your luggage will stick in spilt coffee on the lobby floor. The receptionist notices this but she does not care. She tells you she has your reservation but does not have a room for you. Accept this. The more you object the less English the receptionist will comprehend. She will not supply a complimentary dinner. She will not upgrade you. She does secure you a room, however, up the cobblestone street at Hotel Ibis. Repack your luggage in the trunk. Drive to Hotel Ibis. A month later, back home, when you get your credit card statement, the Holiday Inn Express will charge you for the room you reserved but never occupied.

Hotel Ibis has dim lighting, a low ceiling, and a glass revolving door that spits you into the lobby. The receptionist will welcome you and ask if you have luggage. Your luggage is still in the trunk.

In front of Hotel Ibis, while unloading, an airport shuttle bus will honk at you to move your car despite the ample room for him to pass. Feel free to glare insolently at the driver. It does not matter. He does not care. Move the car. Drag your luggage across the parking lot. Your room is at the far end of the hall.

Return the rental car to Terminal 2d of Charles de Gaulle Airport. Follow the sign reading "Car Rental" down a winding ramp into the parking structure below departures. Park the rental car in a numbered space.

Find the satellite rental office in the parking lot. It will be closed. There is no key drop box. A handwritten sign directs you inside the terminal. Cross the parking lot into terminal. Do not make eye contact with the German man in the soccer jersey urinating on the parking lot wall.

The rental counter is right inside the terminal. Hand over the rental car key. Provide the parking space number where the car is parked. When asked, say the gas tank is full. Lie. The rental clerk will then inform you that you have returned your rental car an hour late. Remember the 45 minute delay at the Holiday Inn Express. Feel free to bring this up. It...