How to Button Your Father's Pants

Hope your father doesn't ask you to button his pants. You can handle tying his shoes, helping him with his jacket, buckling his seatbelt in the car, but pants are something else.

Hear your father say he needs to use the bathroom. Ignore him when he says he doesn't need help. He does. Agree with him when he says, "It's not far." Insist on helping. Lock your knees. Grab his arm and help him stand. Pull him toward you when he starts to wobble. Say, "Ready?" Smirk when he replies, "The doctor says I had a stroke, but I think it was a stroke of genius."

Lead your father to the bathroom. Place his right hand on your shoulder and walk. Check to see if he's still there even though you notice his breath on your ear. Feel taller than your father for the first time in 22 years.

Once your father goes inside, lean against the door. Hum. Pace. Never get more than five steps away from the door. Realize that you couldn't pee if someone was listening. Pretend not to listen.

After a few minutes ask, "Dad?" Wait when there is no reply. Wonder if he's still inside. He's remodeled since you were last home, but there's still only one way in and one way out. Speculate about a trap door. Your father always liked to play tricks on you, especially when you were younger. Remember the times he hid around corners and jumped out when he heard you coming. He'd lift you over his head, tickling you until you wrestled free and ran back into the living room, calling, "I hate you," and becoming upset. Whisper, "I'm sorry."

Become fixated with the fingernail on your middle finger. Bite it until a sliver of nail comes free. After holding it between your front teeth for a minute, spit it out. Feel the air begin to sting the end of your finger where the nail is missing. Regret biting your nails. Put your hands in your pockets. Think about your father's fingernails. Struggle to remember whether or not your father bites his nails. Decide you'll look when he again places his hand on your shoulder for support when exiting the bathroom.

Hear the toilet flush. Listen as your father fumbles with the doorknob. Try to open the door. Realize it's locked. Wonder, "When did he lock the door?" Say, "Dad, the door's locked." Listen as he replies, "I know." Tell him to unlock it. Worry when he responds, "I can't." Decide, somehow you've successfully managed to lock your father in the bathroom.

Jiggle the handle. Jiggle it frantically. Jiggle the handle until your father tells you not to break the door handle. Apologize. "I've almost got it," he says and then he gets it. "See," he says. Push the door open so quickly that you hit your father, almost knocking him to the floor. Apologize. Look at your father as if you haven't seen him in years.

Shrug when he asks, "What?" Look away when he says, "Stop looking at me like that." Cringe when he says, "Can you help me button my pants?"

Approach your father. Stand facing him and try to button his pants. Don't look up or down. Stare at the wallpaper until the ducks start swimming laps around the bathroom. Think, "Wow, those ducks are fast."

Stand behind your father. Reach around his waist with both arms. Grab the left side of his pants with your left hand and the right side with your right hand. Attempt to button his pants. Realize it won't work. Question why he is wearing jeans in the first place. Keep looking at the ducks.

Wonder how your father was able to button his jeans before the stroke. Tell him to suck in his stomach. Struggle with the button.

Decide that the button has something against the loop. Encourage the button. Make promises to the button if it agrees to go through the loop. Make similar promises...