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  • AncesTree
  • George Kuchar (bio)

The very early days of television, when puppets on strings ruled the airwaves, were quite essential to my stature as a fallen angel (a filmmaker who fell into hell via a CIRCUIT CITY basket). I don’t always shop there, as sometimes I like the BEST BUY stores best as the ceilings are usually higher than their prices. This makes them cooler too. Anyway, television in the old days had lots of puppet shows instead of the kind of wooden entities you see on TV today, plus you could see that the balsa wood beings were being manipulated by strings (something not visible with today’s modern mannequins). The current dummies are wired more discreetly for maximum cleavage potential with the crotch area fully latexed to prevent unwarranted voltage from browning pink panties. The male mannequin requires less grounding for his antenna as the filaments of a hairy buttock make excellent circuitry for discharging ionized effusions.

Puppets were not the only denizens of early TV as you had lots of space operas with canned music but no canned laughter. That was organically generated by the viewing public in the comfort of their own homes since the shows were “live” with gaffs galore! Scenic backdrops would crash and makeshift props backfire or flaccidly flop on camera while the adrenaline pumped performers huffed and puffed their way through putrid plots, all inadequately funded. I loved it so much and that love hurled me into the realization that I too was destined for videographic Valhalla where the proud and the beautiful were shrunken down to fit into an electronic gizmo. That boxed gizmo itself was filled with other cubist containers all labeled with a Cocoa-Puff cosmology of cerealized serializations dramatizing pre-Sputnik space junk. The results to me, the viewer, were as sweet and flaky as the sponsor’s products and I drank it all in with an Ovaltine cocktail designed to rocket me into being a consumerized cosmonaut befitting the Eisenhower/Einstein, space-time continuum which continued to grind out these programs weekly on a boob tube devoid of boobs (except for maybe Xaviar Cugat’s new wife on one of the many variety shows that endangered the universe with gyrating ASS-teroids).

But unfortunately all was not sordid, as Loretta Young never had a costume malfunction while whirling through a door to introduce tepid teleplays. Nor did Howdy Doody make tangible his last name in the creases of his jeans, despite the fact that Clarabelle the clown squeezed incessantly at the rubber appendage of a horny hole near his mid section to excite the peanut gallery with a flatulating fracas.

I’m of course discoursing on early American, 1950s TV. Therefore this essay may mean absolutely nothing to those of European descent. My stimulating brush with continental TV was mainly in viewing Benny Hill programs. He was the shadow shape that followed such giants as Allister Cook who basked in the blazing brilliance of Masterpiece Theater thereby casting a darker doppelganger on the British telly (if there still be such a slang). I enjoyed his full figured shenanigans greatly even though the full figures of his stable of bevies weren’t exactly my cup of 4 o’clock tea. British mixed grills were always a bit skimpy on beefcake in that prime (rib) time.

For beefcake I had to settle for Joshua Logan musicals like South Pacific or the fan magazines that featured Tab Hunter shaving in the privacy of his privies (if, once again there be such a slang). Now-a-days there’s such a vacuum of words since so many have been considered off limits…banished except for the first letter. These will certainly make future dictionaries shockingly skimpy plus the human mouth will undoubtedly lose some of its provocative elasticity since it has already been hideously mutated with cosmetic injections. No muscular activation, because of vowel disembowelment, will be able to keep the lips operative during theatrical readings, causing the great classical orators of stage and screen to mimic the sound of farts from of a fist fucker’s familiar (pardon my olde English).

Speaking of the stage, only lately have I...

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