A Japanese Translation of "Because I could not stop for Death"

watashi ga shi no tameni tomaru koto ga deki nakatta node	Because I could not stop for Death—
kare wa sinsetsu nimo watashi no tameni tomatte kure mashita	He kindly stopped for me—
basha niwa chodo watashitachi futari to	The Carriage held but just Ourselves—
fumetsu no tameno seki ga ari mashita	And Immortality.
watashitachi wa yukkuri kakete yuki mashita	We slowly drove—He knew no haste
kare wa mattaku sei tari shimasen deshita kara	And I had put away
sokude watashi wa shigoto mo hima mo oita mama de ki mashita	My labor and my leisure too,
kare no yasasisa ni ojiru tameni	For His Civility—
watashitachi wa gakko o toori sugi mashita	We passed the School, where Children strove
kodomo-tachi ga yasumi jikan ni marui undojo de kisotte imashita	At Recess—in the Ring—
kochira o mitsumeru kokumotsu no hatake o toori sugi mashita	We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain—
shizumu yuhi o toori sugi mashita	We passed the Setting Sun—
to iu yori yuhi no ho ga watashitachi o toori koshita nodesu	Or rather—He passed Us—
tsuyu ga musunde tsumetaku furue mashita	The Dews drew quivering and chill—
to iu nomo watashi no gaun wa kumo no ito desita shi	For only Gossamer, my Gown—
katakake wa usuginu datta kara desu	My Tippet—only Tulle—
watashitachi wa i-kken no ie no mae ni tomari mashita	We paused before a House that seemed
sono ie wa jimen no moriagari ni mie mashita	A Swelling of the Ground—
yane wa hotondo miezu	The Roof was scarcely visible—
nokijabara wa jimen ni umorete imashita	The Cornice—in the Ground—
sore irai nan seiki mo tachi mashita	Since then—'tis Centuries—and yet
danoni ano ichi-nichi yori mo mizikaku kannji rare masu	Feels shorter than the Day
watashi ga saisho uma no atama wa eien ni mukatte iru to	I first surmised the Horses Heads
omotta ano hi yori mo	Were toward Eternity—

The problems I found in translating P712 are of two categories: linguistic and cultural, although they sometimes overlap.

Linguistic

1. Structure / Word Order

The first line of a poem is often very crucial in creating the tone of the whole poem, and Dickinson is well known for her eruptive first lines. This poem is no exception, or rather the first line of the poem has a special surprising effect: the casual yet at the same time grave beginning ("Because") and the unanticipated answer of "Death" to the question of the reader, "whom could I not stop for?" This effect could not be expected from the Japanese translation, whose word order is as follows: "I—death—for—stop—can not—(past tense indicator)—because." In Japanese, predicates, consequently verbs, are usually put at the end of the sentence. In this case, after the verb "stop" follows the auxiliary verb "can," the negative and another auxiliary verb indicating past tense, and then lastly "because." Such being the case, it is almost impossible to expect the tone of the original—apparently casual, yet satirical in depth (the tone has much to do with the personification of "Death," which is to be dealt with later). In the Japanese translation, which is simply explanatory, this feeling is lost and the reader is left with no special feeling.

For the same reason, "Eternity" cannot be put at the very end of the whole poem in the Japanese translation. This is quite a serious situation, since the position of the word "Eternity" is of utmost importance (i. e. a kind of surprise ending) and, furthermore, this word "Eternity" is followed by a dash, heavy with implications.¹ With the change of word order, all this effect is gone.

In the translation, we have to provide the predicates and the particles to show which are subjects for lines 15 and 16, "For only Gossamer, my Gown—/ My Tippet only Tulle—," which would necessarily dilute the impact of compression in the original which consists of the arrangement of mainly nouns.

2. Pronouns

In Japanese, pronouns...