Training Ken

Isn't it amazing the subjects we forget to discuss before we marry? My husband, Ken, and I met in a blaze of passion, coming together like two comets. After the initial heat had died down, we got a chance to discuss a few details, like the fact that he was a wood worker living in his van and that I had a three year old. But hey, nobody's perfect.

Over the next year we ended up moving in together and eventually decided to marry. This was a difficult decision for both of us. We had just come out of failed marriages and weren't really sure we wanted to jump back into another relationship. And then there was my daughter, Jessica. She liked Ken right up to the moment we announced we were going to move in together. Suddenly, the adorable little tyke turned into a jealous harridan. Nothing Ken did was right. He didn't put her socks on right. He didn't cook eggs right. (I don't cook at all, so this was a stretch on her part—but whatever worked.) He didn't know how to pour tea into pretend cups or play games with her imaginary friends, Pete and Lindy. I learned to appreciate his patience and sense of humor.

Jessica was very seldom alone with Ken. They were uncomfortable in each other's presence without me around to play referee. But one day, when I had the flu, they went shopping together. At the grocery store, Ken bent down to pick Jessica up and put her in the cart. She screamed and jerked away from him. "Stop it, stop it. You're hurting me," she cried. A menacing crowd gathered, convinced that this bearded man in the paint-spattered overalls was a brazen child molester. They were a vicious throng prepared to defend the blonde-haired, blue-eyed poppet by whatever means necessary. Ken bent down and whispered to Jessica, "Cut it out, you're going to get me arrested." "I don't care," she screamed, twisting away from his embrace. He leaned in close and said, "Jessica, if I'm in jail you won't have anybody to pick on." She thought about this seriously for a moment, then held up her arms to him to be lifted into the grocery cart.

After a while, they both adjusted to the idea that we were going to be one big happy family. Jessica was the ring bearer at our wedding. She refused to throw the flower petals in her basket as I walked down the aisle, but other than that, she seemed to adapt well to our new situation.

Ken had a little more trouble adjusting, at least to Pete and Lindy. Jessica's imaginary friends had appeared the first year she started daycare. They were so much a part of our lives that I didn't notice them anymore. I set a place for them at the table. I made room for them in the car. Lindy was OK, but that Pete was a hellion. He spilled Jessica's milk, left her toys all over her room, and ripped a hole in her best sweater. As Jessica got to know Ken better, she allowed him to discipline Pete. He spanked Pete. He sent him away. Once he even ran over him with the car. Nothing helped. Pete was as bad as ever.

One day Ken had a brainstorm. He had a serious talk with Pete and Lindy, while Jessica listened with delight. "Pete," he said, "it's time for you to take some responsibility around here. I'm tired of supporting you and Lindy. I think you both need to get jobs." So, he sent them off to Amarillo, Texas. (Why Amarillo? Who knows?) Later Ken explained to us that Pete had been arrested and Lindy was staying out in Texas to be near him. We never heard from them again.

Ken was as surprised as I was when I announced that we were having a baby. Do not believe the lies people tell you about hot tubs. Hot water does not...