Resolutions of the 2012 APCG Meeting Olympia, Washington

Whereas, the Graduate Program on the Environment at Evergreen State College has hosted this 75^th meeting of the APCG with a welcoming face, full of good spirit and considerable warmth, and

Whereas, we have all benefited from their organizational efforts and success in arranging a most rewarding and fulfilling program, and

Whereas, we accord special recognition to the labors of Martha Henderson, meeting chair; and Aaron Zimmer, Sheryl Dorney, and Jim Craine, who each honchoed particular aspects of the meeting; plus the field trip coordinators and various members of the host team, and

Whereas, we take note that, nonetheless, the super-vigilant and ever-present Resolutions Committee, at first certain that it had finally met the perfect meeting, upon receiving reports from its extensive network of on-site informers, a new squadron of unmanned drones, and remote sensors of every possible variety, has regrettably decided that particular acts and certain occurrences necessitate individual citation, to wit:

Whereas the Phoenix seems to have arisen at our lodging headquarters, The Phoenix Inn and Suites, presenting to us all as we peer out our windows what has been termed “Seagull Chic,” a positively dripping view of the outside world, with the longest measured drip checking in at fourteen inches, and

Whereas, for the first time at any APCG meeting, spatially challenged attendees were required to employ their GPS units to find the locations of paper presentations, and

Whereas, equally, the time-challenged were put to the test by the clever program gremlin, with the presidential plenary session alternatively scheduled to begin at both 4:00 and 4:40, resulting in the appearance of an unfamiliar and upsetting time void chronology virus for many attendees, and

Whereas, several of the papers were delivered at the sewage plant, causing a concern on the part of some presenters that some sort of subliminal message was being delivered, and

Whereas, the women’s restroom in said facility (and I did not personally witness this!) stated that “All the toilets in this building are flushed with reclaimed water. Do not drink.”—What does that mean?, and

Whereas, other papers, again for the first time at an APCG meeting, were presented in a kitchen with humming refrigerator at a facility walled off by cyclone fencing, accessible only through a secret back door and hidden elevator, and

Whereas, Tina White, today, her birthday, chose seeking truth on Mr. Rainier rather than in listening to the wisdom propounded at APCG sessions, a decision that resulted in a cascade of revelations, and

Whereas, in an attempt to be like Oregon, the locals decided they had to have a Deschutes River, too, and

Whereas, clearly some presenters were unaware of legislation in the state of Washington that limits any presentation to no more than five co-authors, with one presentation—thinking they were setting a new international record—on Friday offering up seven co-authors from five institutions (the state of Washington’s regulations say no more than four institutions), only to be outdone on Saturday by nine co-authors from Fresno State University, and

Whereas, the paper by the nine co-authors examined vertical ozone variation at a dairy facility, apparently extending their study into the ionosphere so that each author could have her own layer, and

Whereas, Mindy Butterworth’s paper, “I Thought I Had a Hangover,” was seemingly an unintended consequence of having visited a local beverage parlor with Paul Starrs and associated partakers, and

Whereas, Martin LaFrenz of Portland State University presented a paper on the “Lost Glaciers of the Southern Oregon Cascades,” thinking that with all these people here surely somebody would have found one of them, yet, alas, checking at the hotel registration desk just before the banquet, none had so far been turned in, and

Whereas, finally, and in truth,

Therefore be it resolved that we offer sincere thanks to our generous hosts, who have accomplished an Olympian task in providing us with a most enjoyable and worthy meeting, full of good cheer, outstanding presentations, and...