Writing as a Process of Performing the Self: Sam Shepard's Notebooks

Writing as a Process of Performing the Self: Sam Shepard's Notebooks GARY GRANT Writing and .theatre are for Sam Shepard a "home" where he brings the adventures of his life and sorts them out, "making sense or nonsense out of mysterious impressions.'" From the collection of his personal papers housed in the Mugar Library at Boston University, it becomes evident that with his writing Shepard keeps a watchful eye on the condition of his consciousness. This collection of manuscripts, notes, play sketches and journal entries is a kind of primordial, spontaneous private work. These are the raw materials - the "jazz sketches" ofhis personal experiences recalled in the present moment ofwriting.' Taken as a whole, these materials convey the impression of a writer who continually practices playwriting as an ongoing process of observing his inner experience. An anecdote told by Shepard biographer Ellen Oumano bears out this impression: Shepard became known for his omnipresent notebook in which he made frequent notes, so much so that his playwriting class presented him with a carton full of shin-pocketsized writing pads.) Writing in looseleaf notebooks, small spiral notebooks, composition books, scraps of paper, even a Holiday Inn paper napkin, and struggling to understand his own life, Shepard frequently contacts a deep personal fear: You do it to the degree you 're able. you know. You can only face so much, and then you tum away. Writers are very adept at covering that up; they cover it up in all kinds of disguises. But when it comes right down to it, what you're really listening to in a writer is that: his ability to face himself.4 (1991) 34 MODERN DRAMA 549 550 GARY GRANT Joyce Aaron, one of the fIrst performers to recognize Shepard's particular talent and bring him to the attention of notable Off-Off Broadway directors, describes Shepard's compositional process as startiog with perceptions of daily life which he then transforms into different yet specifIc voices, each speaking from a different place inside, each voice "with its own rhythms and shifting consciousness, its unique particular curve or leap. " 5 The materials in the Boston University Collection confIrm Aaron's description ofShepard's writing process and include examples ofthe enormous variety ofvoices with which Shepard can speak and the careful attention with which he listens to them. For example, in the following sketch from the Collection, the process ofrecalling the sensations of coming home gives voice to his feelings of inadequacy: Uh - Mainly I'd like to be free of myself. I'd like to know where I'm going. I'd like to be sure ofmyself. Imean I'd like to be sure that where I'm going is right. The right direction. The feeling of moving in the right direction with myself. Always. Always sure. Never uncertain. Never to have any hint ofuncertainty. Don'tget me wrong. 1'm not saying I'd like to buffalo myself into believing something that isn't true. I'd have to know that it wastrue to begin with. I'M MOVING DOWN A STREET IN THE DIRECTION OF HOME AND I'M SCREAMING INSIDE! I'M SCREAMING "THIS ISN'T MY HOME! THIS ISN'T THE FEELING I WANT OF COMING HOME! I WANT ANOTHER FEELING! I WANTA FEELING I'VE NEVER EXPERIENCED BEFORE!" People don't like a complainer. Have you ever noticed that? Someone sits down and starts to complain and people are turned off.On the other hand,I've seen people who weren't complaining suddenly start complaining when someone else joins them and starts complaining. I'm not expressing myself well. I'M NOT EXPRESSING MYSELF AT ALL WELL!' The writer in this sketch, involved with and watching an image of himself, recreates the rapid shifts of awareness and the sensations of the experience in writing; but, he immediately feels the inadequacy ofhis expression. The feelings and the act of writing occur simultaneously. This is a performance of the self in the act of writing. In this process of watching, listening to inner voices and writing down what he hears and sees, the performer/writer discovers how he feels about himself at that present...