Abstaining from Sex: Mourning Ritual and the Confucian Elite

In the winter of 1690, the famed essayist and stern Confucian moralist Fang Bao (1668–1749), then twenty-two years of age, reluctantly married. The wedding had been planned for an earlier date but was put on hold when his younger brother died. In accordance with the ritual, one year of mourning must be observed for a brother’s death, and sex was prohibited for the first three months of that year. By the time Fang Bao was pressed by his relatives to wed, he had been on mourning observance for seven months. He refused to consummate the marriage, however, as he recalled years later: “I passed the date [of the wedding] and did not marry. My wife’s parents urged me [to get married]. At the time, my younger brother Jiaotu had just died a little over seven months ago. For more than ten days [into the wedding], I went to the bedroom but slept separately [from the bride]. Relatives of both families were greatly appalled and they burst into an uproar. I therefore abandoned the ritual and consummated the marriage. I regret it to this day.”¹ Fang Bao presented his refusal to consummate his marriage in the light of Confucian brotherly love and ritual propriety (although he had exceeded the length of sexual abstinence required by the ritual): he could not proceed with an event of great happiness while he was still in mourning, and he was willing to upset his bride and in-laws for his moral principles. Brotherly relation and ritual propriety were two fundamental Confucian values, but Fang Bao’s show of moral fortitude would probably have gone unnoticed if sex were not at the center of the story: sexual abstinence at the wedding dramatized and magnified his virtuous devotion.²

This incident brings our attention to an aspect of male sexuality that has so far been understudied: the ritual regulation of sex and policing (and self-policing) of sexual behavior by the Confucian elite. As stated in the Confucian classics, the Liji (Book of Rites) and the Yili (Book of Etiquette and Ceremonial), the mourning ritual required that, depending on their relationship with the deceased relative, men refrain from sexual intercourse for varying durations, ranging from three months (such as when in mourning for a brother) to twenty-seven months (for the death of a father, for example).³ Since the second century BCE of the Han dynasty (206 BCE–220 CE), this rule was gradually adopted by the government and the social elite as a guiding principle for moral living in the wake of the death of a close relative and was even codified in some form into imperial law in later times. In imperial China, behavioral codes regarding sexual conduct were profoundly gendered in that women were subject to much stricter social and legal regulations. This ritual rule represents a rare instance in which the regulation of sexuality was aimed at men.

An act that was carried out in the inner quarter of the home, refraining from sex during mourning observance was rarely talked about in personal terms (Fang Bao was an exception rather than the norm), yet it frequently appeared in public records such as the biographies of worthy men. The extent to which the social elite practiced this ritual is difficult to determine. Given the mourning ritual’s paramount importance in Confucian ideology, we can assume that any member of the elite class would have to face the daunting situation at some point in his life. The discussion below will show that refraining from sex for a prolonged period was a test at which men struggled to the point of encouraging hypocritical behavior. There was no easy way out for those who found the ritual rule too challenging to comply with. Either a man would have to conceal his violation meticulously, or he would face certain disgrace and humiliation in his social circles. On the other hand, for someone like Fang Bao, the rule was utilized as an opportunity to demonstrate, publicly, his manly virtue.

The mourning ritual of sexual abstinence thus gave...