Shirburnian Catastrophe, The

Act Five

85 Act Five Lunch Hour, Tuesday A footpath in a flowery public park Elegantly uniformed students from Oro High, some chattering, some in pairs, some playful, are trickling homeward. TWO WOMEN in headscarves and carrying big handbags, apparently Jehovah’s Witnesses, are trying in vain to hand out biblical leaflets to the students. Off-stage emanates city noise; hooting cars, barking dogs, yelling fruit vendors and beggars, etc. The one-directional flow quickly fades and the women sit on a park bench. ARCHER’ VOICE (OFF-STAGE) (Booming and Thespian) Why come provocatively dressed like this? I sniff a scandal in the making, but at your age I read you like unadorned Stone Age calligraphy. Capture the created image and its offence: The timing, the scene and the pornography Of a priest in his underclothes set to retire, Alone with a schoolgirl in nightclub attire, It’s late at night and the two are in his bedroom. We’re like two lovers in a dacha on a lonely shore. Surely someone desires to see me pulling a rickshaw. Enter MIMUDEH, looking at a page in an open copy of S Shrouded Blessings, followed by ARCHER, both are in Oro school uniform and also homeward bound. The boy is carrying Mimudeh’s loaded satchel and his. 86 MIMUDEH Wow! That was Father Flynn pleading with Naomi, the seductress. And you recited the passage with an astronomical precision. Now I see why you attained a distinction. (Challenged, gives him the book) I am fond of the priest’s last words in Act Three, Scene Three. Both stop. ARCHER (Flips through the book, opens a page and stares at it) I am there, girlfriend. What does the father say? MIMUDEH (Crosses herself and recites in a feigned masculine voice) Open your eyes and see the falsity of the mirage. The tumultuous Red Sea hid a passage. Sweetness hid in the bitter water at Mara. Daily for forty years Israel was bitten. Daily for forty years the House of Israel was smitten. Of creation is it not written: Out of darkness light came out? ARCHER Mimudeh, the Scottish bursary is yours! I foresee you landing at Glasgow International Airport. Should you choose; you might end up a Supreme Court judge in Scotland. (Dramatically bows to her) The Honourable Lord Mimudeh McLeod, My Lord. (Bowed, gives her the book) 87 MIMUDEH (In mock frustration) Is that all Her Lordship Mimudeh McLeod could expect from her most obedient and humble servant, Dr Archer McLeod? This day, Tuesday the tenth of September, I hereby find you guilty and order you to kiss Her Lordship this instant. (Leans forward, pouts her lips and closes her eyes) ARCHER Mimudeh! You are demanding a kiss in public? MIMUDEH (Still posed for the kiss) Be quick, Archer. My mother’s car is idling outside this park. She’ll come looking for me at any moment now. He looks about and gives her a snap kiss. Both sigh simultaneously, exaggeratedly satisfied, touching their chests. The TWO WOMEN rise from the bench and approach them, one is holding out colourful leaflets and a Bible, the other has leaflets and her handbag is open. The Bible bearer opens the book and approaches ARCHER as if to show him a passage, while the second one advances to MIMUDEH. As ARCHER looks at the woman and her open Bible, he turns his back to MIMUDEH who is suddenly engulfed in a cloud of chalky plumes squeezed from the handbag. MIMUDEH screams, shutting her eyes and drops the book. Shocked and puzzled, the boy turns and looks at her. The woman’s handbag is now closed and held behind the woman’s back while she is holding out the leaflets to the girl. MIMUDEH gasps, staggering from the woman, coughing several times and clutching her neck, her eyes vacant. 88 ARCHER Hey! What is it? What’s happening? (Breaks her fall and gently lowers her to the ground) The girl lies prone. He puts the satchels down and, squatting besides her, stares at her and then at the women. 1ST WOMAN (BIBLE BEARER) (Aghast and pressing a handkerchief to her nose) Must be an asthmatic attack! Or is it a heart-attack? 2ND WOMAN (Retreating and also holding a handkerchief against her nose) Somebody call 911! ARCHER (Kneeling beside Mimudeh, panicking and clumsily at First Aid) She’s breathing! Her mother is outside the park! (Rises...