Junkyard Blues

Chapter Fifty-six

239 C Chapter Fifty-six ’m going to solve a problem, he kept telling himself. It was a song in his mind. And his mind needed that song. It was only when he had solved the problem that he was going to get out of the dark cloud which he was wrapped up in. Whatever is necessary! Yes, even if it meant doing something he had never thought he would do, even if it meant making a sacrifice he had always seen as too big. Now it was just a sacrifice, a simple sacrifice which he could endure and then forget. Even God could understand. God! He looked up at the dark heavens again, the cloud still a thick blanket, the rain still seeping down ceaselessly and landing on his face. What did God have to do with this? Even if there was something there, an iota of something there that had anything to do with Him, was it not clear that He could not even see, that he was already blind? Yes, he was certain He was already blind, blind to whatever was happening, blind to whatever had happened and what was going to happen. It did not concern Him. Or even to Him it was another point of amusement, another way to get amused sitting there up in his heavens or wherever it was He called home. Jude felt another wave of nausea hit his stomach, and started spreading up towards his mouth. He did not want this any longer, he did not want to puke anymore for his ribs were already hurting. But he knew it was going to come anyway… Maybe it’s a way to stop you, maybe your stomach’s just trying to tell you something, to make you stop before it’s too late. He got down on one knee again, dipping his knee on a small pool of water and started retching. His stomach was already empty but that need to go on vomiting was still there, that horrible need that he hated but knew he could nothing about. It’s trying to stop you before it’s too late. But if that was its reason then it was too late, he had already made his decision and nothing was going to stop him. He was going to solve all his I 240 problems tonight, every problem and be like the others. What was wrong with that anyway? What was wrong with trying to be like the others? With trying to get his own share from life? Wasn’t that what the world wanted? Wasn’t that what God wanted from him? He stopped retching, the taste of the cheap whisky in his mouth. It was the taste of that horrible whisky that was bringing back the nausea. Are you sure? He wanted to believe that but he knew deep down it was still just a lie. Slowly he stood up and continued his jeremiad, every step taking him closer and closer to a new beginning… ...